No Words

So many emotions running through me...

...................I honestly cannot explain how I've been feeling lately. Dealing with the drama that is life, in addition to trying to gain a confidant, has been draining. During the time that I've been MIA, I've had time to realize that I was doing better when I was venting with a pen and paper or typing and sharing. I didn't have to vent it to all my friends/associates.

I've learned that people are going to be the way they are without thinking the long term effects of it. For example, I planned to meet up with someone this past weekend, and somehow the plan backfired. Not on my end, but his. Even when I was told about the transition in his life, my closer friends (who were not aware of the past events), were doing the subway scene from Coming to America, "Go on honey! Take a chance!" I, knowing better, simply took it all as WHATEVER. Well, everything was 'set in sand', up until like a week before, and I was told, "Oh, something else has come up, but I should be back by this particular time." So I'm asking during that same week of, "YOU SURE?!" Well, let's just say, things changed. I was upset, not because of what happened, but because you're still a liar. Nothing's changed. PLUS, I have yet to hear from him. I don't need an explanation or anything, just note that you didn't think about what you were doing, and therefore what you said in the beginning of your transition was just fluff. Understand that I'll still be very cordial and may check in every-now-and-then, but don't hold your breath...

I've learned that people will hold on to you because they feel comfortable with you, and don't expect you to change. For example, the former sig fig (significant other) in my life, has a good ol' time forgetting that no one around him (including himself) gives a damn about him. So when isht hits the fan and he has no where else to go, he comes back to me, assuming that I'll be OKAY and open with his requests. Despite the fact that he says a lot of words he doesn't mean (let him tell it). He likes to say things like, "Don't call me anymore, and don't worry about blah blah blah!" I have no choice but to follow up. You're draining. Our life is over...

I've learned that I have a difficult time telling people no. I now give that 'face' and indirectly not answer. It's not that I don't know how to say no, it's just that my heart is giving and it's almost not me to say it. However, due to past experiences, the one time you give in (which is usually the first time), people will continue to come to you, because everyone else has turned them down.

I realized that I lost my connection with music. Snoop Dogg, Biggie, Dre, old Mariah, old Mary (although I love new Mary), and all my neo soul and R&B Anthony Hamilton, Ledisi, Erykah, etc.) still get me going. However, I used to listen to EVERYTHING. I had to reconnect with my Aerosmith, Nirvana, Red Hot Chilli Peppers; my old school The Isley Brothers, New Edition, Keith Sweat; my new alternatives Paramore, Evanescence, Yeah Yeah Yeahs etc. I looked at my viola the other day and wondered whatever happened to my (I'll insert the name later) tape! I was doing so much better when I could do that and vent!

I understood that as I get older, things are going to change. I can't do the things that I used to, and I have to learn how to let things that are not good for me, go! I'm on a mission to reevaluate my friends, and my situations. I'm only digging a deeper hole, continuing to do (or lack their of) the norm and keeping the norm around me. Someone actually asked me the other day "I mean, are we still friends, like, what's up?" And I laughed, but I almost said no! Again, I have a hard time saying it.

I'm just going to end it there. There's too much going on in my mind to really jot it all down!