MESSAGE!

Do you feel me...

Days I've processed your ideals. For someone who can understand any and all things, with slight explanation, you fail me. I have yet to decide what to do. I've done all the talking, yelling, and crying I could do. I'm at the point of giving up, and letting you figure it all out on your own. If that's done, then, you won't have any guidance. And temporarily, you need guidance. A lot of it. For now, just note, if the tables were turned...

Artifacts

Rare finds...

You passed up something that was worth more than the dusty, old western revolver you found. You bend over backwards for the people that cause you hell. While the people that bend over backwards go through hell with you.

For whatever reason...You told me to let things go, and not even on a friendly level can we communicate. Ain't no dirt off your shoulder, right? Now you won't stop calling. But not too long ago, you told me, "You can't just let go of someone you develop feelings for." I guess I was right all along...You just used me to satisfy your erotic desires, because you'd never give up the last 6 years of your life. Call that bitch and tell her all about it.

My Way Or No Way

Forever and always...

You made me who I am. And for that, you will always have your way. Your way being, you will always be with me. Never will I find another like you: cheater, game player, lazy, pointless, time consuming...You will forever haunt me.

LOL Files: Part One

Ok, so here’s the thing. I haven’t talked to you in almost two months and I think that is absolutely ridiculous. The last time I heard from you was when you posted a message on my Facebook wall. I believe the message was something to the effect of: this is not about you, I’ve been busy with class. I’m not really sure what your schedule is or was during that time, but surely you could have called me since then. Although you’re probably thinking that I also could have called you—don’t. I tried numerous times to get in contact with you during the middle of my exams, because I WANTED to, while you on the other hand, while also busy, did not and chose instead to not return my phone calls or make your own. Surely, in the past eight weeks you have found some down time to return a phone call I made to you so long ago or to call me of your own volition. While you have made it no secret that you are just “not that kind of person” (assuming that I am) you would have at least called to see what has been going on in my life, since you seem to choose not to talk about what goes in yours (at least with me).


I still check my Facebook regularly and yes I check in you from time to time (your status mainly) and I’m sorry for any drama or any negative thing going on in your life. However, what I cannot do is continue to let our friendship go down the drain and while I could have easily given you a call to tell you all this, I thought it would be best if you read it and really tried to understand where I was coming from. If you think this is all a little to “extra” then ignore it and don’t worry about it; if you decide you have the time and the desire to talk with me, CALL me—no emails, no IM, no Facebook.

The laughter is not at the person, but more so about the informatin within the message. However, I just can't stop cracking up at volition...OH BOY! WHEW! Let me clear the tears from my eyes! My cheeks are hurting from laughing so hard in short spurts. Interestingly enough, as requested, a response will be given in due time...after all the laughter subsides.

Only Temporary

Just trying to stay positive...

Just as no one prepares you for parenting, your first bicycle ride, your first time eating exotic foods, etc., you are never prepared for life. Sometimes you just have to stop and take a breather and pray and be patient and pray again. I have to remind myself and others, that this thing we are going through is just a phase and it too shall pass.

If You Don't Like It

My suggestion would be...

Go kick rocks!

100 Strong

Security...

This is my 100th post. I probably should have more than that, but hey...

Another reason I chose this title, is because a lot has been dwelling in the cubicles of my mind. Yes, my brain is divided in sectors. There is the CEO all the way down to the cleanup crew. Mainly, the focus has been finding security.

Security in my relationships: with God, men, my father, my mother, etc.
Security in my future: job, money, etc.
Security with myself: looks, vision of what I am supposed to be, etc.

When I thought the front and back entrances were on lockdown, the emergency exits were not. And the end result, all types of people and things running amok. Therefore, I am not quite functioning properly and am having trouble bringing things back to order.

But one good thing about eventually coming to order, I have a wonderful staff of people who are supporting me and my decisions, and regardless of the outcome, they aren't going to leave their desks and walk out of the front door. They are rooting me on! And I greatly appreciate that. When things are brought back together, I guarantee that you all will be greatly rewarded...I promise.

Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever

...and ever ever ever ever

You will be with me forever...even when I don't want you to.

U Lie Gul!

I hate reneging...

So what! At the end of the day, you may be right. I just don't know how to approach the situation. Because of my "slowness", I may have pushed him away. I don't know. Maybe he's given me a sign already. Maybe he is waiting on me to say something. He may not even like me like that...

Someone else I know was experiencing something of the same nature. The only difference, she and her 'guy' had already talked and addressed their feelings. She just wanted to confirm what she was thinking, and being that I am the Great Guru, she asked for my opinion (LOL). I do pray that things work out for the two of them.

But it's not about them! Whether you read my post on this site or not, lately, I've been kind of 'low' when it comes to my post. Usually, I'm upbeat and saying whatever I feel, just because I can do that. A lot has been on my mind, and I think with me getting older by the millisecond, I think I am ready to be involved. Not necessarily settled with one particular person, but just even exploring my options. And as much as I'm sure everyone would love to experiment with every opposite (or same; whatever floats your boat) sex there is, without catching Scola, it's just not going to happen. Way too many people, and afterwhile, it would become boring! You'd never find anyone. You'd have a better chance of trying to touch your elbow with your tongue (you long tongued people who can do that, can keep your thoughts to yourself; j/k)!

Anywhoo, as one of my favorite songs says, just in case I never get the opportunity to have the experience with him, "I guess I'll see you next lifetime..."

What Do I Have To Do To Be With You?

...

Everyday, people soul seek. Looking for that right one, holding on to the wrong one, or just hating on the dumb one. In any case, we question ourselves and our decisions in life because it plays a major role in our future. I want to congratulate all those getting married during this hot and humid time and I hope and pray that you prosper years to come.

Other people, who have yet to grasp the feeling of desire, sit and wonder when the time is coming. They hate to go out with groups of friends, because no one notices them. They hate to go out to gatherings because they are the 5th, 6th...9th or 10th wheel. Questions like, "What to do," and "How do I get out of this" run through their mind as Bookie and Snookie nose knock all night long.

The only advice I have for these type of people, be patient or tell the next son of a gun that you think he/she is hot and see where it goes!

Time

Find it in your pocket...

It's interesting how it goes by. Time, that is. I understood what my uncle meant when he said it, and still do, but I don't think others understand.

Your time, doesn't consume my life. My time consumes mine. You shouldn't always depend on me to stop mine for yours. You should use your's more wisely. Plus, as if my voicemail doesn't say, "Please leave a message after the tone and I will get back to you as soon as possible." Well, if you don't do that, how can I call you back. You're not above leaving a message. But you can shoot me IMs saying how I am and you don't want to talk to me anymore...It's not that serious, never was, and never will be. Trust me, I don't believe you and it doesn't bother me. Another person will fill your shoes, whether they are exactly like you or not. I don't have the energy to focus on you!

I have surgery in 2 days, I am on my period (which has kept me drained and sleepy) and I'm trying to keep motherfuckers off my back! So tell me what busy means to you?! Oh, that's right, you think that I am just sitting at the computer all day, busy doing nothing. You think I watch television, being busy sitting on my ass all day. You think that I am looking at the flies fly by outside my window, being busy. OH, that's right, I'm just not that type of person to be busy doing something...that's what you said, right?! Fuck you! If you took the time to stop trying to make people like you, which they already do, and stop trying to be the "perfect person", maybe you'd feel a little better about yourself and treat others better. No one gives a shit about you because you don't know how to treat people but like shit. You talk to them any ol' kind of way and don't care.

Do know that, we ARE alike, and I will challenge you toe to toe. I will not back down. I never have and never will, against ANYBODY! You are no exception to the rule. Grow the fuck up, get your life right, then holla at me, when you understand what I mean! Time is NOT on your side.

What It Meant To Me

When you do things like that, it makes me think...

I had spurts of thought that fogged my ability to complete my tasks for the day. Then, you shot a text. Whether you did it or not, it was from you. I felt that it was your way of saying you were thinking of me. Then, it made me realize how much I missed you for all the wrong reasons. It made me realize how you were not my match...how much I should be happy that you are not around...how fortunate I am to not have to deal with your games. And then I settled. I settled on how that's your way of saying I miss you, I'm thinking about you, I lust you.

Further thinking, led me to acknowledge that there is better and there are others who want to be mine. They want me to say, "That's my man." They want me to hug and kiss and love them up. There are others who recognized the potential as soon as our eyes met (but what took you forever to do) and are patiently waiting. You are trying to catch up. You are trying to figure out ways to incorporate yourself back into my life and end up on your happy note, of possibly getting married and having children.

Now, I sit listening to Avant's Director CD wishing he (not you) were here. Or I was there. Not really doing anything, just chilling. Just sitting and watching television, or playing a video game, or just sitting in the dark. I think about it so much, it's as if I'm already there. The feeling he gives is the most orgasmic. He lights my life...

You Are the Thumb

You're unique and flexible. And you defy any category. Mentally strong and agile, you do things your own way. And you do them well. You are a natural leader... but also truly a loner. You inspire many but connect with few. You get along well with: The Middle Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

You Are 25% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

Book It!

If there was a book about you, would anyone read it...

I think I am going to take my friends' advice and write a book. That age old question has been haunting me lately. Not only that, I just think it would be neat to see what the process is like. Plus, it would give my friends something to do, if they really love me. I don't really believe in hiring outsiders too swift. Although keeping outsiders close is sometimes better than those closest to you.

It's been rough lately. I don't know what to do besides what I've been doing. Applying..., well, sending my resume. I am hoping this guy will call me back and let me know the deal. Hopefully, it's not what I think and will be worth wild, because afterwhile, I am going to think my time spent in school was a waste and I majored in the wrong field. We shall see.

Where To Begin

Sigh...

Starting something over you apparently didn't have control over, is a very difficult task, especially when you were never given any direction in the first place. You don't want to just jump right into it, because once you get started, it's hard to find your way back. If you start off by analyzing, you lose time. You get too caught up in the idea of 'well if i do this', that you never get to get where you are trying to get to. So, where do I begin?

Keeping It Funky

Did you ever have it in the first place...

Sometimes, we go through that period of funk. We think, "Yeah, it will pass. I just don't know how I lost what I had," whether it was a sig fig, job, or friend. The question is, if we are in a period of funk, and we are looking for what went wrong, did we ever have control in the first place? I mean, were you really focused on that position you did have or did you ever have it? Were the two of you together because you really did care for each other, or were the both of you just kicking it and you caught feelings at the last minute? Friends come and go, but was that person your friend in the first place? The other real question is, even though we know it will pass, when's the new funk coming in? If you think about it, you may have always been in a funk, just trying to smell something different!

Sometimes, we lose focus. As you, I have been experiencing that. I don't know if it's always been like that or what, but I'm trying to reevaluate the reasons I am in this position. Sure, the next person can say, "Well, Ms. T, you didn't really put in effort," or "Ms. T, you did try but not hard enough," "It didn't fit you, anyway." Is it me, or did you not take the time to see what's been going on for me to not put in work? Are those the words I need to hear right now from you. I believe you should be more encouraging than that!

We get placed in situations that are comfortable for us, and we try not to venture out of that comfortability. A friend of mine over at Xanga called it a Potluck. When I read his words, I truely felt like he was speaking directly to me! Something to think about.

You

....it's something that makes me shy away. Your smell. Your laugh. Demanding! The sensation put through me: numbing...

He paralyzes you as he walks into a room. He gives you tingles up your spine. He runs through your dreams at night, just to say, "Are you thinking of me as I am of you?" It was something his momma did that just makes you appreciate him six generations back, because you know if things were back in time, he'd be just as breathtaking. It's his goofiness. His suaveness. It's his controlling, but protective ways, without saying a word. His touch is tender, even when it's rough. He knows when to walk away. He knows when to comfort you. He knows how to hug you. He speaks profound words and it all still makes sense. He never belittles you. He's a whore, but never around you. It's his handwriting; sloppy, but neat. His 2nd grade antics that drive you up a wall, but the same ones that remind you why you love him so. He doesn't even know you, but will do anything for you...

I can't quite put my finger on it...but what I do know, it's YOU

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISFP)

Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

You Are Strawberry Cake

Fresh, sassy, and romantic. You're a total flirt, who never would turn down a sugary treat. Occasionally you're a bit moody - but you usually stay sweet!

What Kind of Cake Are You?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Fetal Position

A tornado has hit...

Currently, Ms. T is trying to resolve her inner demons. I would love to be in an empty space, in fetal position for about three days. Unfortunately, I can't.

A friend of mine said, "You a good one! You don't stress about anything, especially money related." But technically, I do. I just don't verbally express it or really push myself to do anything about it, since I know everything will be okay. God is good and he will not place anything more on me than I can bear. I told my friend, maybe this is my time to think and meditate on what's next. I don't know.

Something does need to be done though. After today's mini (but big to me )incident, I told myself that the time is approaching very closely. I think this is why He hasn't blessed me with the gift of life (not that I am seeking it just yet), because I ain't (yes ain't) taking care of myself really. Not that I wouldn't take care of my responsibilities, but it's just not time....

To Work Or Not To Work?

That is the question...

Ms. T is stuck in a bind. She wants to work, but not for peanuts and banana peels (Did I get that right Sutherland?!). I want to work, however, I think I am scared. I think I am afraid that what I do will never be up to par and I will be mediocre and never advance. I don't know what it is, but...

Planning

Just not my forte...

Regardless of what anyone says, planning is for the birds. When you plan, things don't happen. I was expecting certain things for my birthday, which has almost been over for an hour now, and I ended up with nothing. Expecting can be linked to planning, because you set yourself up for the okie doke, and nothing happens.

I mean, there is always tomorrow (and I do accept birthday wishes the day after), but once March 1st hits, it's a wrap! Just kidding!!! But I was disappointed. Life moves on. I'm sure that it will all be made up in due time. Plus, I think folks are mad at me or more like irritated and they need a break. I respect that.

One of my favorite people said to me that I need to get a hustle and start tutoring some kids or something, due to me finding out some info about my job. I really hadn't dwelled on it (my job) all day. It was more like I laughed at it, becasue I know that it is a very lucrative job and that I CAN do it, but I WARNED my employer when I interviewed that I am a little slow. And with the events that have happened since I've been home, I really, really, really haven't adjusted to being home and accepting some things the way they are.

God's hands...

The Next Time

I guarantee you...

If she tries me..., just one time, I probably will say what I shouldn't. What I shouldn't say is, "I learned from you!"

Many times, with disgust, "Why must you do that," or "Why do you do that?" Because you showed me. You showed me how to be a lazy ass. You showed me how to be tolerant of those you hate to be around. You've shown me how to live my life...really you have. And it irks my last nerve. I can't stand it! I can't take this anymore! Like, you can't be serious, but you want me to do for you, because you have plans?! Well my plans are to do for me when I'm ready to. And once those plans are fulfilled, trust me, I won't be around.

The Power of the Goodies

Goodies = MY life

I don't understand how people can be all up in what you do, but never take care of their own. I mean, if you were a guy, you'd be slurping me dry right now. I am not a gossip magazine and I am not the biggest scandal of 2007! Do you and I do me! Being that you are so drawn into the life of Ms. T, I hope it's good to ya, cause you refuse to let it go.

Just don't make sense to Ms. T.

Arghhhhh

One dream is shattered...at least for this year...

We get too caught up in what each other is doing, we don't take a look inside and see who we are and what we are doing. That's why you have children wanting to be like 50 Cent. And nothing wrong with wanting to be like him, but you can't spell raper, unless you have two p's.

When I do plan things (which isn't very often), I do so in the wrong way. And even though it hurts to know the bad news, it's good news too! I now have time to plan for it again, possibly next year.

My head hurts so much from EVERYTHING! My contacts, my nerves, my 'unsuccessfulness', etc. I am trying my best to stay positive through this whole process. I feel like I can't take it, but I know that He will not place more on me than I can bear. This is my time to get closer to Him, and however it will be done, it will be done. I just need to stop and breathe deeply and concentrate on what I need to do in order to come out on top.

Limitations

I bet you won't cross this line...

Learn when to stop and go. Pump yo' brakes. This is not 4th grade and we are not pushing the envelope by crossing every line drawn in the dirt. We grown, and you know better. Ms. T don't ask for much, 100% guaranteed or your money back, but do expect your feelings to be hurt. This isn't the first time I've expressed this. I have posted many posts about how communication, and understanding it, verbal and nonveral, is important.

Don't go overboard. I promise you, your lifeline will not be thrown. I will watch your ass drown. As a matter of fact, I may have been the one that tripped you up or even pushed you over the side! If you want to keep talkin' out the side of your neck, when I have already told you more than once that I have been offended with your comments, actions, or hairstyles, I will lay you out. Don't continue to tell me what I do and I'm hiding info and what not, cause it's not like that. I never disrespect you and go beyond the norm about you and yours. By the way, why are you in my mix, without a spoon?!

Alone

Really sucks...

I really hate being and feeling alone. I even feel like I have left myself alone. I'm just not happy. A test on blogrings once told me my inner child is sad. I have almost 24 years of catching up on things that I never thought about before. I have to find ways to complete the puzzle. It's as if I opened up the box to put the puzzle together, and I only have one of the five pieces. What am I to do with that?!

As I was going through someone's blog on Xanga, they said something that I tend to forget. When one thing bad leaves you, something 10x better will come along. For me, it's not so much that I need to have someone, but more like I just need someone that is there consistently, that will always be available. Someone that will always have my back regardless. Someone I can really confide in with every detail of my life and no judgement will be passed. And although I have friends like that, I still have a void of that sigfig.

Plus, what really gets me, is it seems that men don't want to express how they feel, especially when I really believe that a guy, being that he is a guy, should be able to express what he wants when he wants. I mean, who am I?! I am no threat to you whatsoever! I am not the type to be intimidating. I don't know. I just really just want to be happy...

Imaginary

Am I dreaming...

My entire life has been built upon dreams. I have been dreaming since birth. Not the dreams of goal chasing, but dreams...the kind you get when you zone out. The kind that you have when you look at your significant other.

I tend to believe that our dreams tell us what we really feel and even lead us to our true destinations. Unfortunately, we can't control our imaginations. I like to call my dreams "real" and "fake". The real ones are the deja vu's. The ones where you can really feel the person or object and when you wake up, it lingers with you all day. I love dreaming, but man, it can get scary.

The fake ones are the ones that I usually want to happen. The ones that spring about because of the last conversation you had right before going to sleep and after watching something like Saving Private Ryan (because I seem to always enjoy falling asleep on war movies), you have that outrageous dream where your cousin and Bookie are shooting cows and ostriches. You wake up like, WTF?!

I have this dream...a fake one. But nonetheless, I would like for it to happen. Maybe it will if I click my heels two times...

All Grown Up

Let's pretend...

Your age is not what were before children. Let me remind you that you are a leader. Unfortunately, as a leader, you have failed your people. You have become a bigger disappointment over the years than when an 8 year old finds out there is no Santa Claus. As time has progressed, especially since I need to keep track of time, there are cues that show how you have digressed. And although we try to set ourselves apart, we are too much alike. I sometimes wonder what it would be like...

If both of you were present. Or if the shoe were on the other foot, and I had no clue to who you were. There is a reason for everything. I respect that. However, don't expect nothing from me if you aren't giving up anything. Time and time again, I have stressed the importance of communicating. You wonder why I act the way I do, well that's only because I learned it from you. Nothing that I do is done purposely. I don't do it to hurt or anger you. But let's pretend for 5 minutes you are an adult, because I am.

Superstar

The J-Lo's and Beyonce's...

So just in a matter of seconds after signing in, I refused to be one of the ones getting all the attention now and then in about a few more months, be spat out because my name and face are everywhere. I don't want to go into hiding but rather come from out of it.

Our time is coming...

Will You Still Love Me After This?

I may get jumped because of what I am about to say, but I really want you to still love me afterward....

ALL MEN ARE JUST ALIKE! Now, I really don't mean that, but this one guy...well, there are these men that remain in contact with me (and not the other way around) that are just alike. And I really hate to depreciate the value of some of the real men I know such as Baby Daddy #1, Sutherland, Boom Boom, and Mandingo (just to name a few), by referring to these men as such. So instead of putting them in that category, let's refer to them as Certified Crazies (CCs). Since I never got the memo that you made 3 years ago while I was away in school, and since it was never addressed to 2957, I have all right to put in my 30 seconds notice. Don't worry about the other 9 days and 30 seconds, because it's just not needed.

I am not knocking your dreams of being somebody in life or having your name written across a billboard. I'm not knocking your drive to have 8 cars and no place to stay or the fact that you get off of probabtion next month after 8 years. I just don't want you to believe that I am really here to upgrade you or to support you through this process that you've been going through since I've known you. Initially, because I was young and dumb, I thought, "Good for you!" But when you start playing the same beats you played when I first talked to you on the phone 10 years ago or you are still using the same 7 year-old notebook to misspell your freestyles in, I really can't associate. I don't want to hear about how you're over your baby mama, when I clearly know you just acting on the phone. I don't want to read your Happy Valentine's Day text messages you sent via your sister's phone. I don't want you to call me after not talking to you for one day and hearing you say, "Ya don't luv ya boy no mo'?" And then you use words like, ding-a-ling...

We are adults now. Please act like one. I can honestly say that the real men are struggling through this real deal called life. The real men are working and trying to support themselves, not just make some money here and there to purchase a new television that they have no space for or keep up with people that they claim they care about every 6 months-2 years. The real men are not ashamed to talk on the phone to another woman while the main squeeze is in the room. The real men who gain my respect, respect me. They don't use and abuse me. They don't get nervous and jealous when someone else is in my territory, because they KNOW I will always, always, always have time and love for them. Unfortunately for you, as a CC, you tend to catch on a little late. Please note when my birthday is and don't say things like, "Your birthday right after my daddy's and his is on the 15th." Please catch MY memo that I sent out several times informing you that you call me too much. Please don't send me text messages thinking you are being cutesy with me, when I will send back a laughing smiley and you think it's a happy smiley. As a CC I appreciate your words and the little bit that you do, but in order for you to keep the little status that you do have, please step your game up.

Happy 'Your Name Here' Day!!!

Valentine who?

I can't really say I am not a believer in Valentine's. I just don't know who the brother is. I've never had a Valentine during this time, and honestly, if I did, I wouldn't know how to act. I wouldn't know how to act in the sense that I would probably seem unappreciative of whatever my sigfig may have prepared for me. Now, I'm not really speaking like my good friend, but I can understand where he comes from. I've seen too many cases of men going out of their way to do for women that they will probably dump in the next 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...and yep, another 12 women got dropped. Or, women are quick to get upset because they didn't receive what they feel should be well deserved.

If you've been keeping up with what I've been posting, you may have noticed that either I or someone(s) that I know have seriously been through the mud and then some. Quite frankly, for me, I'd be happy if a guy just showed up for once and just said "Happy Valentine's Day, boo." Better yet, "I love you."

Now, my baby daddy (not in it's literal sense), my bookie, and all the other randoms (friends included) sent me text messages or Facebook wall posts and I greatly appreciated it. Because that's the type of woman that I am. Honestly, I think I would do the exact opposite if I were booed up. I would probably be the one buying something and pampering my shnookie. *I refuse to really use words like that in real life, but just to add spice to the post.

This day should also be a day for men. I actually laugh in guys' faces when they think that EVERY woman feels and thinks the same way. NOT! Ms. T is quite unique...

I am wishing everyone a Happy 'Your Name Here' Day! I hope you do enjoy it whether you are alone, with a vibrator, a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family, dog, squirrel, etc. This day is for the birds!!!

Leave Me Alone

I've always believed...

And I've always known that things were different for me. I've always accepted people for who they are, because for one, it's not for me to judge, and two, sometimes people don't know any better. Lately, I have seriously been going through things. I don't think I am dealing with those things like people WANT me to deal with them, and a I think a lot of it has to do with me and how I don't tell my business. Quite frankly, I could care less. I respect everyone, but sometimes I am not respected back. Everyone has their way of dealing with life experiences. Unfortunately, I don't know any better.

Listen

Always listen to your...

Emotions

Hurts more now than before...

I do apologize if this becomes too long, but then again, I have to speak the truth! I believe I am feeling more pain now than I did before. Not in the sense of hurt, but just anxiousness. As a friend of mine, two to be exact, were bitter about life experiences, I began to think.

It kind of freaked me out a little bit. I wondered why these two women were so HOT about something that no longer dealt with them. One was (is) bitter with a man that is married with children in another state, but lives in the area with a woman he's been with for 8 years, who also has child(ren) with him. This friend visited one of his pages online and almost collapsed when she learned that he had possibly had another child. Why?! Why is something I'm trying to figure out. She knows he's not worth the lint in her pocket, but she was talking like she was upset because he was doing dirt on her. It was so confusing for me. I was actually getting bitter just listening to her complain and bad mouth him. LET THAT ISHT GO! The other friend, was what I'll say, wishing. She was wishing that she had had the "dream life" back in the day. She was wishing she had the type of relationships that the 'popular' (and I don't necessarily mean the cheerleader/football player, but also the they're so cute together) couples had back in the day and possibly up to now. The words that I read concerned me, because this was coming from a woman who has a good man, regardless of what lies she likes to come up with about him ;-), and is also very beautiful. LET THAT ISHT GO!

We all have a history that we feel has kept us from our full potential. Whether it be because of a lying boyfriend, a belittling bastard, or a skanky ladyfriend. I can even say that I am bitter and wish that Dirty Dalvin never did some of the things he did and that I had decided to get with Basketball Bernie instead, because that's the type of guy that I wish I had, because for whatever reason, I think that it would have produced different results in my life later on. Whew, that was a lot. Let me back up...

The pain I once had in my life from the teasing, the fingerpointing, the 'not being chosen to run relay races', made me stronger for the desires, the 'I'm mad he looked at your ankles (inside joke), and the Ooo, I want that looks. I usually don't get into religion, because you do you, but God chose certain things for you to go through for a reason. Hearing these women wanting something they DIDN'T NEED then, because they have something better now, hurt me more than when I had a migraine at 9 years old. Sometimes we seek things that aren't in our reach for a reason. Let that isht go!

The Truth

"Truth is......I like you. I've liked you for quite some time. Unfortunately, we could never establish a relationship due to our circumstances (whatever they were at that time). I don't think there is much to do about how I feel right now or what I want to do, because I really don't know how you feel or what you want to do. I mean, we always are acting stupid whenever we are around each other. My friends say to pursue it, and even those that know very little of me, even say, we need to hook up. What is your situation? Wait, I could be stepping on your toes. Let me step back. I'm sorry. Don't hate me....I have always felt that it is better to tell someone how you feel than to keep everything all bottled up. I think in the long run, that person will thank you even if he/she doesn't have the opportunity to tell you face-to-face. But they will always thank you when they tell your story to their child, friends, or grandchildren. Or while they are in a bind, that memory will play and joy will ring over their heart. They will always say how this girl/guy came up to me once and told me I was a sexy beast! I've just never said anything, because I'm just one of those people...Plus, again, circumstances...There are things that I dream about and some things I pursue, but with slight caution. I am tired of the games I play with others, and I just want to see where this will go. You feel me? I really don't mean to ramble, but ....I dream of the possibilities, without taking the risk. I want things to work out, but know that there are restrictions and limitations. Honestly, I blush everytime I think about you, I deny my feelings for you to my friends. I'm quite tired of running. I'm grown! I should be able to handle, but when it comes to you, I am weak. So that's why I am standing here, outside your door, while she sleeps in the other room. I just wanted you to think of me the next time she didn't come home when she said she would, or while you were at work in an intense meeting. I don't want to mess up anything the two of you have going. I would never want someone to step in on mine, especially if I knew how valuable that individual is. I'll leave you be. I just wanted to let you know what was in my heart, because you are forever on my mind...

I encourage everyone to step out of their comfort zone. Never be afraid to speak your mind or heart. Someone will be appreciative.

Stay With Me

No...

I honestly couldn't play the game any better. It's time for me to go. I have to go on and play with someone else. I've been playing with you for too long now. The way things are now, honestly, you are making the game boring. Your talk game is good, but you haven't done anything. Your next move is always the same, plus you've already admitted that you've cheated. Therefore, even after beating you, even though you thought cheating was to your advantage, I still won! I really must go.

Go find you another somebody to play games with. Just don't call me the next time you want to play. I'm serious about my game, and I need you to be as well. Don't be so disappointed that I'm leaving you with empty pockets...you still have a get out of jail free card. :-)

I Can't

We can no longer use this phrase like they want us to stop using the N word...

So, today was interesting. Oddly enough, I won't go into detail. Let's just say, after hearing so many of my friends and myself say it, and it's only the 17th day of the New Year, I've decided that after hearing someone say this, I think I will stand by it as well: AS OF TODAY, YOU CAN'T SAY CAN'T!

Can't is negative and reflects your performance and possibly those around you. So, for now on, when someone calls me and says, "Ms. T, I can't do this school thing," or "Ms. T, I can't reach the packet of tuna in the cabinet," I will hang up on you on purpose, call you back, and hang up on you again or I will call you tuna face for at least 2 weeks.

Honestly, when you think negative, you do negative. I really had to give it to a friend of mine today because he was ranting about school and how he was failing, when in all actuality, he is well above average and not failing. For him to give up on something he's wanted to do, whether because he didn't realize he wasn't going to cake walk through or what, just really disappointed me. I couldn't believe his logic. Sometimes, you have to look at all the options and alternatives to your situation. Sticking to the same way of thinking or learning is obviously not working. Therefore, try something different, until it works. Unfortunately, you can't just do like you did in high school and college as if you have time to make up.

And I had to do that myself with my occupation. I have to take other options into consideration before I just give up. Cassidy wasn't talking about me when he made the song I'M A HUSTLA. I can honestly say, I've never had to hustle a day in my life (at least not that I can recall). I'm stuck in the middle. For example, right now, a friend of mine and I are talking about economic classes. I've never been super poor (I have been on governmental assistance), so I am not trying to get out of that situation. And I've never been super rich, so I am not sitting on my ass or just relaxing with a job I can get by on because my father is golf buddies with the mayor. I am stuck in the middle. I am in a position where I can't really move. Not really. At least not at this moment.

A realization that I've always had is if you want something, you have to not only earn it, but be patient. Not everyone thinks like me. Nor, can they sit still long enough before their eyes pop out of their head from boredom. Nothing is going to come to you instantly. Nothing's going to come to you without you working for it. So if you say, "I can't...get this done, understand, go to work, learn this, exercise, flip this burger..." you CAN'T pretty much do anything!

Secret Identity

Something to uphold...

We all struggle with this desire to be something other than what we are. We sometimes wish we could go back and change the things that we've done just to see what the new outcome will be. Others tend to go on with life as two, sometimes three different people. Some identities are good, while others are used for purposes of deceit. We show what needs to be shown at the time of interaction. For example, when you are at church, you wear your church hat, along with the church fasade. Once you've stepped off church property, you go sell drugs, rob banks, and prostitute...

Or like today, I watched Dateline, and this lady pretended to be her deceased twin sister, to find out how and who murdered her. I thought it was kind of weird, because she stepped into the life of her sister, but yet, was getting information from the people she was around, who knew she was deceased. I didn't quite understand how that was, but....

I too, sometimes carry a secret identity. The only difference is, it leaves me at the very second it needs to interact. I like to absorb everything I see and hear. It preps me for the possibilities. If I am in an area that is a little snobby, I need to prepare to be as impressive as possible, therefore, I won't look like a fool. If I am in the 'hood, I need to make an effort to let the next Crazy over know that I'm a bigger Crazy.

As I learned some years back, sometimes it takes that one major event in one's life for a serious personality change to take effect. I'm just hoping it is for a positive and not negative. I think I will quickly adjust to what's happening to me. I just hope it's not forced, because I tend to have mixed emotions and get them intertwined with one anther, confusing my judgement.

My Homie

Just chillin', talkin and stuff...

"So let me holla at you for a moment."

"MS.T, WHAT'S UP?"

"There are some things that are bothering me. For example, I've had chickenpox scars forever. I've tried cocoa butter lotion and sticks, and it's just not working. I've seen some people where their's have faded, but mine haven't. What's up with that?! Then, like how come I am 'not outgoing'. I have friends, but they're all kinda like me. At least they do do things from time to time...I hate when they come back telling me I should have been there, like they invited me...BASTARDS! But I don't mean that in a bad way, dog, just bitterness for the moment."

"WELL, MS.T, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, IF I GAVE EVERYONE THAT OPPORTUNITY, EVERYONE WOULD BE THE SAME. PERFECT ALMOST. BUT THEN AGAIN, I AM THE ONLY PERFECT MOFO UP IN THIS PIECE! AND AS FAR AS YOUR FRIENDS, WELL, THAT'S HOW FOLK ARE. YOU KNOW I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND HIGH WATER WITH MY PEOPLE. FAKENESS IS A BIOTCH AIN'T IT!!! OOPS, I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT"

"Why you gotta be so selfish?!"

"DON'T MAKE ME...!"

"Hahaha! I'm just playin' with ya! I don't want to wake up without water in my spot. You good for just switching it up if you get mad."

"WELL I'M JUST SAYING, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND...."

"I do understand."

"ARE YOU CUTTING ME OFF?!"

"No, I was just.."

"GOTCHA! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Man, you lucky I can't do nothing to you. I'd pluck you on your forehead or something...but for real, can we talk about my fianancial situation..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"....cause ya girl is on the low-low, and I just need to hit the lottery or one of the jackpots on pogo.com or something, and..."

"YOU ON THE 'LOW-LOW' CAUSE YOU GOING OUT TO EAT WITH YOUR 'FRIENDS' AND DRINKING SOCIALLY WITH THE 'PEACE UP, A-TOWN DOWN' BUYING CLOTHES FROM NEW YORK AND COMPANY, KNOWING YOU CAN SURVIVE FOR A FEW MONTHS OR SO..."

"But I'm saying, though. Why you gotta bring that up?! All I'm saying is, I need a few thousand, a mill or two....

"HAHAHAHAHAHA"

"Why you still laughin, you not takin' me seriously here. Yo, where you going?! Now you got me running. I'd give you like 10%! So what ya think? I think Pogo would be easier, we just got to get that jackpot spinner to land on jackpot while I'm playing one of the games that has...........!"

Motivation

Just don't have any...

Usually, I would take the time to go over the definition of such, just so you can understand exactly what I will be discussing, but the word speaks for itself. I've been drowned with the thought as to why I don't have any. When I looked back on it, I've never really been pushed or "motivated" to do anything. When there were fundraisers, I would get one or maybe even two signatures (one being my mom), and after the 2nd year, she would stop buying (the same thing she ordered the year before). When I played softball, I hated the fact we lost all of our games but one, but I always said, "Well, we were the initial team for this brand new middle school." Viola, I wanted to play the best I could, but I hated practicing, because it was as if I wasn't getting better.

I've never been motivated. Even when there are things that I really, really, want (so much I would kill someone), I won't put the effort into getting it. I don't know why that is. It's as if there were a fire under my butt and I didn't move. I don't know what that is about, but it kind of scares me.

Asking if I am competitive is stupid. I'm not saying that I'm not, but I lost interest in things like that when I used to lose all the time, or if I weren't chosen for the relay team (neighborhood kids). Or picked for the softball/shotput throw, just because I was big in size, not because I could actually THROW a softball/shotput.

I hate being 'rewarded' or acknowledged, especially in group settings. Just send that bastard UPS or snail mail, I'll hang it up on the wall...no, I'll put it away in a drawer, in its original packing and let it collect cobwebs. I just don't have passion in general (I guess).

I want things in life, but I don't know how to go after them. Simply because I am not motivated. I don't care how many dollars are on the line or even if I had to lose my big toe, SO WHAT! (Am I) A Disappointment, maybe....

Character

char·ac·ter [ kárrəktər ] (plural char·ac·ters)
noun
Definition:
1. distinctive qualities: the set of qualities that make somebody or something distinctive, especially somebody's qualities of mind and feeling

au·ra [ áwrə ] (plural au·ras or au·rae)
noun
Definition:
1. distinctive quality: a characteristic or distinctive impression created by somebody or something

If yo' isht stank, it stank! My personality is stricty intuition based. So if initially, I'm not really trying to put too much into you and what you are about, 1)pass me over, 2)don't try harder, and 3)let time tell. Although, there are things that I wish I could go back and redo, just to see the outcome, it's automatically accepted that its a done deal.

If you say you are going to do something, do it! Your word is your bond, and if you break that, you'll be broken. You'll just be a walking piece of flesh. Keep playing and I'll take what ya owe, and what ever else that may be of value...which by the way, isn't much. Watch ya self in the '07!

Let's Start the New Year Off....WRONG!!!

First and foremost....

Happy New Year Everyone! I honestly didn't think that I was going to start this early on a post. An hour and two minutes into the New Year, but...I had to!

First and foremost, Ms. T had a wonderful holiday. Some good, some bad, but no complaints. I've been blessed. There are people far more worse than I am.

Secondly, I'm sure I said this in a preivious post, but someone once told me that I am not the first person thought off to go out and about to celebrate, party, dine out, etc. *In my mind, I'm only good when you need me to be your foolywang sidekick, a safety net, or just the extra person because the people who invited you make you uncomfortable. Now, I understand your position, however, don't call me first when you want to tell me, "You should have been there," or "Oops, my bad, no one told you."

I got one invite (and a half) for the New Year. The half invite was about a week ago, and technically, it wasn't really an official invite. It was more of a "Are you coming this way again, this New Year?" The other, was a "WISH YOU WERE HERE" and that person is 4 hours away. We won't count how mother asked if I were doing anything and if I needed her to be home (clearly I am not 7).

Thirdly, I realized that all my "friends" are very much like me. All the vain, "fake famed", I place men before you, 100% wack, the I KNOW I'M NOT WACK (when you CLEARLY are), always talking about what you're going to do but never do it type friends. I've never been vain, I don't believe myself to be famous (even in the smallest sense of the word), I NEVER PUT MEN BEFORE MY RELATIONSHIPS NOT EVEN WITH MYSELF, but I do say stuff that I am going to do, but end up sitting on my arse. Now, there is an exception to this brief list of YOU PISS ME OFF. There are those I met briefly. Those that inspired me to be adventurous to try new things, took me to ice cream shops I had never been to before (thanks A.G.), the ones that confided in me and barely knew me for 3 months, the ones that drove in the worst of snow in a F*CKed up car and the next day stood outside, walked a few blocks just to flag a cab so that we got home safely (thanks Jazz), the ones that rolled through the room at like 6:30 in the A.M. rocking the 'shirt' and Ms. T busted you out without her glasses on (Maine), the ones that jumped from person to person without leaving a memo, those that did my makeup (thanks Makeup Ho), the ones that smelled so sweet as they walked past me in Applied Calculus, the ones I wanted to rape and they didn't mind, the ones that had my back although I didn't need it (Love You Sutherland and Boom Boom), the ones that rode the "train" although we weren't even on the caboose (thanks ladies of the night, hallways, and study sessions), the ones that warmed my heart by stopping by to say their last visual goodbyes at 323 on that big day (Baby Daddy #1), the ones that were loud as hell but you loved them anyway (Quesh and Joyous Celebration)....and yes I could continue, but I think I will leave that for tomorrow's post.

The point I am making is, we've started the New Year off incorrectly already. I'm not directing this to anyone in particular, but how can you honestly say you are my friend if you don't ask me anything? How can you honestly say you've offered all you can 'til you can't no more, all because I didn't go out with you on three occasions? How can you say I'm a lame, when you don't know what my interests are? How can you make me comfortable in an uncomfortable situation if I wasn't uncomfortable in the first place?

I'm just disappointed...but one thing is for sure, the brevity of my relationships will last with me forever. If you have that fuzzy feeling that says that this is about you...understand how I feel. I'll kill the first mother I see (for you B), fall back, pulsate mothaf*#@as!