1 Year Strong

As of December 18...

I was going to post a one year anniversary post, but honestly, so much is going on right now, that I don't feel up to it. I am very much overwhelmed by the things going on in my life. So much to the point it's as if I didn't have a need to vent or post anything.

I know I'm a little early and something may come up that I want to vent about, but...I'll just have to catch you up in January. Feel free to roam through archives and tell me what you think. What should I improve or take away. What are your likes and dislikes.

Have a wonderful holiday season and Happy New Year!

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Patience

Something I have a lot of...

So I'm ready to get into the business! I want it so bad now, more than ever, I think. I had a dream about it last night, and quite frankly, I was jealous of the individual that was in the dream with me, because she was involved (but working toward the ultimate goal), but she didn't have any rank. As a matter of fact, I don't even know how I ended up at there. But the point of the matter is, it was a random ass dream!

I'm just stuck as to what to do. I never had the chance to grow before. Now that I'm involving myself in a lot of different things, becoming exposed, I'm hoping that it will all take me somewhere, and in the end, put me at my ultimate goal. Ms. T doesn't want much, but honestly, I'm tired of listening to everyone else. I'm tired of guessing. Let's just DO and see what happens. In my mind, the worse that can happen is "Who is this chick?!"

Do It For Them

Ms. T love the kids...

Life is rough. I know that your cards are dealt to you and you play the game the way it's dealt. Not only that, you never know what will happen tomorrow. Life is not in our hands....it's all already been laid out.

As much, or as little you may know, my family is like any other family. Yelling, frustration, happiness, ups, downs, etc. After today, I hadn't understood why I had not thought about marriage or children, but I do now. I wouldn't want to put my children through what I am going through now. I would have to listen to EVERYTHING they said, whether they were wrong or right. If they could had an idea, I would take it in, even if it's not a good one. If they worked in education and I didn't know how to read or write, I would want them to teach me, regardless of age.

Do understand, for those of you who have been blessed to have children, PLEASE, coming from someone who has been independent since she was old enough to understand the English language, never doubt your children. Always listen. They sometimes have more knowledge in an area than you. They sometimes think of things that you don't. They sometimes want you to be involved, even when you want to do what you want to do. Don't be an ass to you kids!

You Are 45% Ready for Marriage

You aren't quite ready for marriage, but you're getting close. You still have a few relationship issues to work out - whether it's with your current partner or someone new.

Are You Ready for Marriage?

I Need Direction

What do I do...

I've been trying to get past the fact that my life has been directed by others than myself. I've been trying to bypass the fact that I have yet to fully explain who I am to the people I meet or to the ones I love the most. I've always been a mystery to those around me.

Well I'm tired of that! I want to be able to tell you what my job is about. I want to be able to say what I want. I want to be able to tell the group that I am running for treasurer (and say it with confidence). I appreciate the fact that you understand what I am thinking, how I feel, and when I am struggling you step in. However, you don't have to speak for me 24/7/365! I was blessed with a mouth and a voice, and hopefully, will not lose either to cancer of the throat, a knife, shank, or death.

But what do I do? How do I express to you who I am and not be embarassed or feel uncomfortable, to the point it shows, and you either feel sorry for me or totally disgusted? At this point in time, I have to make the mistakes I probably should have made a long time ago on a smaller scale. And although a lot is riding on this, I will have to take the 'L'. This is something that I have to deal with and no one else.

MOVE _______ GET OUT THE WAY!!!

You Failed Your Driver's Test

You only got 6/10 correct. If you have a driver's license, it needs to be revoked!

Are You a Good Driver?

Over Analytical

Don't read too deep into it...

So twice today, I've been told I'm talking out-of-pocket. I've been saying things as if I am hinting at something. Ms. T NEVER hints! Any person that knows me WELL knows that I will always tell you exactly what is on my mind.

It has also come to my attention, I am hurting people's feelings by expressing how I feel, but yet, those same people try to remain intact and act as if nothing bothers them. Then, there are those people that are so out of their league at this point, they have no clue what to say, what they are saying, or how to say it. I have this 'uneducated lyricist' who always says, "You feel me?" Uhm, NO!?! You just said some real stupid shit like, "Why you acting illiterate?" Now, I know some words have several definitions, but the last time I checked, the main definition of the word illiterate meant, not being able to read or write, which has nothing to do with comprehension or hearing! Therefore, you should be asking me, "What's wrong with your ears", or "Did you not understand what I just said?" May I remind you, as you tend to do in almost every conversation, which further let's me know, that you know, you are a complete idiot and out of your league, that I do have a college degree! And regardless of whether you know how esteemed that college/university has been deemed, you roll it off your tongue as if you are reminiscing about a girl you once had.

But anywhoo...I would greatly appreciate if you took the time to see what I see. Look at yourself before you start pointing the finger. It is very clear who has the upper hand in this...I'm Jay and you're Rhianna, bitch!

Laughing Out Loud

You will eventually fall on your face...

I am so proud of myself beyond imagination. As much as I like to think of how I have conquered you and your 3rd grade antics, I never tell you to your face. Now, you are stuck in a position where you are struggling. You don't know what to do because you've never been faced with rejection. You say I'm changing. Am I now?

Interesting enough, as I have openly voiced to my friends and family, you never really know a person. We all have ways of showing our emotions, even though it can be unclear what is trying to be relayed. I tend to try harder. Instead of voicing how I feel, I try to show it, in hopes that you understand what's going on. I try to non-verbally express something is wrong so that you can ask. However, after a long while, I realize that doesn't work.

By the time I come to realization, you've shat on me more than once. I don't get upset or angry...I just kill it with kindness. Plus, as I may have stated before, I don't want my name on the suicide note or documented in a courtroom. I remain a shoulder to lean on, a friend, all because you never know when you will need someone. Plus, I feel like it's always good to hear that "Thank you so much, even though I'm a jerk, asshole, dumbass, stupid mofo etc." Although, you may say it in that random hug as we separate or a random text message with a smiley.

I've always felt that it's not our right to correct someone. You don't learn that way. "You right" in the beginning, but in the end, I win.

Chop

If that were my chop...

Men are like a piece of meat. Sometimes they can be tough, but if you marinate it long enough, it will be really tender.

The best way to serve it....to a dog who hasn't eaten in 3 days!

He Look Like A Man

What makes a man...

What makes a man a man?

Phobia

Socially speaking, I just don't have it...

Let me just jump right into it! I think I might have social phobia! I like being around people and all, but I really have a fear that they are going to judge me or talk bad about me...I have a hard time doing speeches, even after the fact. Even if I get praised for my performance, I'm still shaking. If i go out with friends, I'm always wanting to make sure I don't over/underdress, because although I may get complimented on my 'fit, too much attention bothers me. I know I can be an outgoing person, and I am around people I'm comfortable with, but instead, I keep to myself.

To me, that would explain everything, as to why I don't like doing certain things by myself or when I'm in a room of strangers, I freak out and sit all the way in the back or off to the side. It makes me feel like no one can see me. Sometimes when I am doing a presentation for a client, I forget what I am saying, although I know the material like the back of my hand. I don't know. I am hoping that by me getting more involved with these organizations I am joining, and even stepping into some of these new HOMES (churches), I will become more comforatable with my environment.

Now that I think about it....it's all connected.

Segregation

separation, isolation, exclusion, setting apart, seclusion, discrimination...

I've always known that I was an exclusion...I've always had a separation from the "outside" world so to speak. I've felt secluded and still do. Discriminated; well, that's another issue.

After presiding over a conversation that was delivered to me...I felt as if I needed to start a movement. Not that I hadn't already, but little things such as these, make me mad! Not only was I offended, but...

To keep this short and simple: I DON'T OWE YOU SHIT! CHILDREN ARE LIFELONG COMMITMENTS!

It's What I'm Supposed To Do

My job...

I have decided that my purpose in life is not like most. I have figured out that I am a very unique individual. I have talent (whether I know it or not), a warm and loving personality, and I can act a fool for anyone who wants to try me. I have come to realize that my job is to make sure everyone else around me is satisfied.

I say all that because, I get so much from my new JOB. Now, most people my age are working towards a career, and then have other jobs on the side, such as taking care of the children, working at a library part time, etc. For me, this business that I have chosen is a career, because it's my duty to guarantee these people are satisfied, and therefore it is my job. I treat each and every individual I run into as a family member, friend, church member, etc. Most people in the type of business that I do, see a client, don't explain anything, have people sign up for stuff they don't need and move on, just so they can get a check. That's all gravy, but what are you getting from it besides money...NOTHING!

I look at my resume and I realize that all the experience I have had is a career. Everything that I have been blessed to do is beneficial to me as well as the people involved. Therefore, I know that when LaShay turns thirty, she will tell her children about how Ms. T helped her in her life, when things were hard. This is what passion is about. My career is in the business of assisting others! I am in the business to make sure that the JOB is done. Because that same person that doesn't take the time out to make sure that their client is okay, will not benefit from having a second sister, grandmother or cousin. That same person will never call back to see how things are doing....that same person will be stuck on the side of the road wondering, "How the hell will I get through this?"

Because of all the Ms. Williams' and Thomas', and Mr. Carters', I will always be okay. The time that I have taken out to take care of them, they have done the same by taking care of me. It's going to be rough during these initial stages, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I am proceeding with caution...The money, means nothing (unless I'm in a financial bind; lol), but the reward is seeing those same people months and years from now and seeing the joy in their eyes because they have one less thing they need to worry about. They will always know that Ms. T will take care of them.

For Once In My Life...

I believe that everything will be okay...

Although I have yet to really get my feet wet at my job, I honestly feel like I will be okay. It's been kinda rough right now becasue my boss' daughter is sick and so he hasn't been able to teach me the ropes the way he had planned. I'm okay with that, because I am running into questions as I try to calculate things on my own.

I was thinking about how people come and go in your life. I have officially given up on some people. I don't call them anymore (or attempt to) either because their phone is off or they just don't return my calls. I feel like there are times when you have to move on and now is that time for me.

I am also going to try to do better for myself. Most people start something new to try to stop something they no longer want to do. For me, I just stop doing it. For example, although I want to feel better physically, instead of starting a whole new diet, I am going to cut out things I know I shouldn't consume so much of. I have already told myself, I am no longer going to do this, therefore, the next time I am faced with the situation, I will just say, I don't need it. I've done that for some of the shitty people in my life. I just don't bother.

Hurting

I now know how the slaves felt...

I cannot explain the pain I feel right now. I am so drained beyond extent. Just pray for me people.

I'm tired of being tired.

Really? Again?

Please tell me this is not happening again...

So, I was chilling thinking about how bad diarrhea can really be, and I received a text message. It was very moving and what not, so I replied, "Awww *tear* :)". Well, the reply to that didn't seem to fit the situation, therefore, made me believe that the original text was not meant for me. So, as I wait for a response...Uh, wait...mhm. Okay, so it was for me (so it says), but a portion of the text was not meant to be typed due to a lapse of memory. Interesting.

Now, I am going to try my very best to passionately express the importance of doing something that will save your life. Key terms: PASSIONATELY EXPRESS! Let's remember how important it is to Do Business and The Importance of Communication. Please understand that expressing your emotions is a wonderful thing. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine, my baby bro, expressed to me that I gave him the best advice ever. He said, "Thanks so much! Telling me to approach a girl to let her know I think she's attractive is the best advice I've ever gotten!" Those weren't his exact words, but close to it. The point is, what's the worst that can happen?! Tell people how you feel (preferably the positive feelings) and if you have to tell someone about themselves, at least they will know and can do one of two things: 1)kiss your ass, or 2)kiss your ass and respect you for it!

Oh, and one more thing, make sure that when you place emphasis on your feelings, whether it's by email, text message, or phone, please make sure you are speaking the facts to the right person. Don't have the intentions of calling the other woman and saying, "So you know I love you girl...You're the best lover I've ever had. My baby momma can't do it like you," and it just so happens you accidentally called your baby momma!

I think the toilet is calling me...

Split Personalities

Ms. T and Nay Nay...

Let me first say, I have multiple personalities. Not like what most think, where one day I'm Susie Q, three hours later, I'm Rachelle Ray, and 6 minutes after that, I'm Shanique from Watts. Technically, just two.

One of my closest friends will love to read this, not because she will know it's about her, but more so, just because we had a long conversation about this. I've officially named my two sides, Ms. T and Nay Nay. Ms. T is straight to the point and takes no mess. She will tell you exactly how things are supposed to go. She will give you no chances. You mess up, that's it! She has no time to sulk, cry, or negotiate. She is about business and just keeps things moving. Nay Nay on the other hand is totally opposite. Nay Nay likes to think of all the possibilities and always tries to remain positive. She's very sensitive and regardless of how bad things turn out to be, will keep a smile on her face. She will lend a shoulder when needed, and will put anyone and everything before herself.

Nay Nay is a bitch! She gets on Ms. T's nerve. Ms. T knows that she shouldn't give people, especially shitty people, an opportunity to get their lives together, but Nay Nay comes in the picture and always tries to coax Ms. T. For example, a person from my former life has reappeared (as they always seem to do), and is somewhat in the need for me to get my own place, so he can move in. Now, as I discussed the situation with a close friend, I said to her that I am tempted to ask this man for the money for the apartment since he's so pressed to be under my skin. Although, Nay Nay feels that's the best thing to do and then everything will be all good, Ms. T says, if he's going to act like this (again) with you, except the shoe is on the other foot, when is he going to do it to you (again)?

The artist who has said it recently best is Letoya. She has put out two singles, that semi-contradict one another, but yet, speak the truth. Torn, refers to being in a situation (such as this) where the woman wants to leave, but she also wants to stay. She Don't, expresses how this same woman (just in this situation), sees her ex with another woman and conveys that the other woman will never be like she was, therefore, he needs to cut that whack bitch.

The happy medium, Beyonce's hopeful next single (the name slips my mind). But the point of the song is to let him know, "I don't want you, but I also don't want you with anyone else." As I said before, this guy is my first everything. And what doesn't make the situation any better is that this man, who will be 5 years short of 30, has yet to grow up! What adds to this is the fact that he continues to "love" me, to talk about me to his friends, and sneaks and talk to me on the phone. He's gotten so good at it, when we do talk, he acts as if he's on the phone with his mother or sister. What's even greater, when he talks like that, Nay Nay wins!

When I first came home, Ms. T had an 85/15 advantage. It had been three years and everything was good. The day before the BS (and I don't mean Bachelor of Science), which was also the first time I had spoken to him in 3 years, Nay Nay had gained a lot, so the playing field became more level. Now, things are back in Ms. T's favor. The closer it gets to me getting paid, the more motivated I feel about having my own place, and he's out of the situation he's in. This works for Nay Nay. She feels that the relationship can start afresh. She feels that he really will be faithful and dedicated and be the protector she has always known him to be. Ms. T, well, she needs a whole lot more convincing.

It's not totally his fault. Unlike others, who have only had that one relationship their entire life (for whatever reason), and never give men another chance, Ms. T and Nay Nay alike have experienced perplexing relationships over the last 4 years. All have made Ms. T a little weary and doubtful about what a man says and does. For once, Nay Nay is stumped, because she doesn't know what to make of each, individual situation. They all vary. Therefore, Nay Nay uses cues to make a decision on the next guy, and again, turns the negative into imaginary. Ms. T, well, she just...she just tries to not get too caught up.

I'm A Failure

Not completely...

As I was discussing with some people, I failed my exam to get my license for my job, by 10 points. I wasn't disappointed, but I wasn't happy either. I really wanted to take the exam next week, but my boss was saying to go ahead and take it as soon as possible while the information was still fresh. So when I called to schedule the test, which is only offered Thursday through Saturday, I chose this Saturday, a day after the classes ended.

I am not sure of what I am about to say, but I think this other girl who was in my class is working for the same company as I. She however, scheduled her test for this coming Thursday. Now, I felt so pressured (to pass, learn new material (two parts) in a week, and to schedule the exam as early as possible), just so I could kill $90 I DIDN'T have.

I feel as though I failed, EVERYONE! The people at my job are very supportive and said that I would do fine and everytime I heard someone say it (friends, family, associates, etc.), I would push myself extra hard, because I didn't want to fail them. I wanted to make sure I did enough to please them.

Well, in the end, I'm not a complete failure. I just hate when I do that to myself. I set myself up. I was trying to use everyone's words of encouragement to motivate my brain to absorb the information, that simply I blanked out. Like I probably got like 2 hrs of sleep, and I probably would have gotten more if Wrong Number New York Chick #9 didn't call my house at 12:30 AM EST time. But what's even worse is when I was driving, I was swerving in my lane. I wasn't asleep or anything, but it was as if my mind was in another world. Luckily, it was 7:00 AM and no one was really driving on the expressway.

I need to develop myself into a more positive and motivated person. I mean, if I had the weekend to study, I would have been okay. Oh well, now I have two weeks to study...

I Don't Understand

I just don't get it...

I have yet to grasp how I have made it as far as I have in life. I continuously doubt myself and my abilities (especially if I think I am not doing well or know I am behind), I slack from time to time, and to most people who meet me (or know me), my response time and decision making is backward.

I just don't get it! As you may recall, depending on which blog you have read, I have been taking a class for a week for my job. There are two parts. Well, the 2nd half of the week, we discussed Health and honestly, ALL of it went over my head. The other portion which was taught earlier in the week, I understood it, but not enough to pass majority of that section to give me the most points on the exam and still pass. Each section is equally weighted and then there are additional questions.

Point in saying all that is I have totally BONKED out! I was on a roll until one of my best friends called. After I hung up the phone, the information was not retained. I took the practice tests and I still didn't do well.

The penalty for all of this? I HAVE NO CLUE! Honestly, I don't think there is one...besides paying for the test again. I would just have to inform my boss that I was not able to pass and ask what needs to be done from that point on, besides reschedule the test.

I think I can add this to my list of events that continue to haunt me....

Treat Others Like You Want To Be Treated

Tulips are beautiful too

I never quite understood why a man or woman would rape another human being. I have never quite understood why a man or woman would take someone's life. The first thing that always comes to my mind, "I would never want that to happen to me." Knowing that I have no control of my life, I have been given options...choices...alternatives in which all have their own consequences. I pray that I always make the right selection, so that I am led in the better direction.

The reason I say all of this...why in the hell would you want to hurt someone you love. You have expressed that this person is someone you would do anything for, die for...but you are treating that person(s) as if they are chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe.

Women and men alike do it all the time to each other. I believe this is why we feel the way we feel about each other (men hating women, women hating men), and therefore, it is transferred to our children and children's children. Then, we have a fad of homo-sexuality running amok.

If we treated each other like it was our most valuable posession, would we hate each other so much? Our friends, lovers, family...

My tolerance level is abnormal. I take a lot of things others wouldn't. As I get older, I believe that the size of my heart is innate, and therefore, I would always be the one giving. The other person would always experience turmoil because of their selection. My part...is to indirectly inform the individual of an alternative to the decision made, by just providing a shoulder. I mean, why should I cause myself agony over someone who has yet to realize the value that I can bring to his/her life. I know I am not that roses you were expecting, but tulips are beautiful too.

Hustle

I need one

Selfish

Maybe I'm selfish...

The superficial ones, the more intimate ones, down to the "I Only Talk To You When I See You In The Street, Because I Know You Are Not Safe" ones...I take all of my relationships seriously. The way I see things, you never know when you need someone. Plus, I don't know about you, but I refuse to have my name on the suicide note:

I have committed suicide because Ms. T did not accept my phone call earlier today.
Sincerely,
Secluded and Seductive Stephen

I just refuse. I also refuse to share what I feel is mine. I do not mind being your support when your girl just cursed you out or when your man just fucked your face up because he saw you out with your male cousin, but do understand if a serious, down & dirty relationship is going on between us, I do not need my friends, my dog, or my own two eyes to catch you doing otherwise. I feel that I am a very special person to everyone I meet. Especially, if we had a relationship that went beyond "Hey, how you doing?"

I do not apprciate your other friends, male or female, not knowing who I am. Therefore, when I call, stop by, or send you a postcard, she won't give me the boo boo face, nor will she kick you out. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that they need to know every detail about how we are really sister and brother or she was my cousin twice removed, but my name should come up at some point and I would hope that whoever you are with, whether it's Blow-Job Betty or Butt-Licker Bob, knows and understands what our relationship consists of.

I also feel like if you are my friend, and you know another friend of mine, at least include me in some of the events that may occur (regardless if I am not the first person you think about when it is time to go out), just so I don't run across pictures of the outing on Facebook, Myspace, etc. and become hurt because I was not invited. It puts me out of the loop. I'm not saying I need to attend each and every event, but if I go to introduce you to someone and the both of you are all giddy because y'all had such a great time the last two weekends you all went out as a group, I will not be too active in the activities set forth! Know that!

I will admit, maybe I am selfish. I will get jealous, especially if you have me believing otherwise...but I mean, who wouldn't, especially if they believe that what the two of you share is something bigger than what it is. Maybe I'm being a little naive or I am looking too deep into the situation. I feel I have to, though. I don't want Luscious Leroy to approach me and tell me how much he's been loving me since kindergarten and he couldn't hold back any longer. I don't want Reality Renita telling me I'm her best friend and I don't think of her no more than Associate #5.

Ms. T is very much crazy. I will cut you, shoot you, slice your face, etc. Again, ESPECIALLY if I feel that our relationship is a little deeper than "Hello". Understand that! I don't ask for much. I am not asking you to show me how much you care, if I feel that I can trust you. I am not asking you to step out of your comfort zone to go the distance for me. All I am asking is for you to respect me and my feelings.

40th Anniversary

Not really, but this is my 40th post...

So as I sit in awe and sleepiness, I am chilling in the house by myself (practically), listening to music. I wonder what other people are doing. I have to prepare for a day of shopping tomorrow morning, for New York & Company is taking 30% off of purchases between July 21st and August 6th. I love that store!

I am also pondering on what the next step is going to be. When am I going to get that apartment...my Infiniti...For someone who is VERY patient, I can't sit still. The more bizarre thing is, I haven't even started working yet, to get a pay check or to see what I need to improve on when it comes to making my sale. I haven't even taken my test in order to get my license! I'm a trip!

I am ready to get things moving. I am ready to say what I need to say to those who keep tickling my feet. After a while, that shit is annoying. BTW, newborn babies...does tickling their feet annoy them? Does it hurt? All they can do is make a face and move their feet, but does it tickle to them? Just a random thing that crossed my mind...

You Love Me, You Love Me Not

I know you do, but what am I...

As I previously stated, I have my own definition of what love is. Unfortunately, your way of showing how much you care and appreciate our relationship (which has it's own definition within itself...) does not suffice. Unfortunately, although I have nothing to show for it, I make too much money for you. Unfortunately, although right now, you don't see it, but I left you when I left my mother's womb. Unfortunatley, although you don't have it, my unborn adopted children (a family of four) have their undergraduate degrees and doctorates. Unfortunately, you love me, and then you give me a reason that you love me not.

Be a man! Stop getting fucked from the ass and mouth! Me, I prefer for you to fuck me with your mouth and then turn around and burp that shit in her face! Let her know who's really pimping your ass out! Let her know that you bend over and take it like a bitch because you are not man enough to step to this! Cause one thing is for sure, she's not stupid. As I told you, you have given her a reason for her to lie; to stop fucking you; to stop sucking your dick.

And you think that it is cool to come to me for assistance when your dick is hard and your nerves are bad. A NO SIR! Ms. T has other things she has to do...I mean other people she has to see and I make too much money for you! Until you can truely show me what the hell you mean when you say you love me, you care...I mean, I know you do; I know you will do anyting for me...but what am I? Where do I stand? Do you really know?! Now, you can give me all the money you want to help me with my bills and what not, but until I see that our relationship, which has strongly been defined as ONLY a friendship, by all parties, and I see that you are really living up to not being that stupid nigga, you just might be able to get access to the $80 air mattress that's only used for important people and guests.

Let's Meet

So, today one of my closest friends scheduled a meeting...

One of my best friends has this new guy in her life. I have yet to meet this man, however, have formed my own opinion of him, just based on the personality of the friend and her past relationships with men. So, today, she and the guy scheduled to meet, because their previous plans fell through. Well, the meeting spot is about an hour and a half outside of where we live and guess what....he does not show up!

She calls me all bitter and what not (and I'm clearly not surprised). She and the guy have been talking off and on for quite sometime (in her mind), so she's really attached. Well, the only thing she gets from it is, "My bad...I was playing cards and lost track of time. Maybe another day."

For her, that was the day. Again, things didn't work out before, and she's very much feeling this guy. In my book, it's time to stop! Not necessarily stop with men all together, but more so be a friend. Learn the tricks of the trade, play his game, and then drop kick him when he gets out of pocket.

This applies to both sexes, men and women:

Don't schedule something, making it seem as if things are mutual, especially, when you know things are hard for the other person (just left a relationship, death of a family member, financial troubles, etc.) and show up late or not at all. Serious consequences follow!

I Wish, I Wish, I Wish

I sometimes wish...

I sometimes wish I could have been that well-known (notice I didn't say popular) person in school, that everyone knows would be successful later on in life. Not only would I have been well-known, but just good at all types of things (i.e. sports, academics, athletic, etc.). I, Ms. T, am no more than the average Jane Doe. I am smart, but when it comes to academics (one of those things I find not to be all that important), I excel in the areas that I find interesting. Every other area sucks balls. I used to play softball in middle school, and I enjoy watching football and basketball. I am known by "the right people", and everyone that I communicate with on the regular, loves me (or so they say...hmmmmm). But other than that, I am nothing!

I say all of this, because I wish I had some stuff a little earlier in life. Right now, I am struggling! I was never the type to initiate conversation (and I still don't do it) or friendships. I like to be by myself (which is not a good thing if I live with a Miller the Killer) and I cannot stand when I am bothered (i.e. you see I'm irritated, but you still ask a lot of questions or you see that my mood has changed, but you still want to talk).

I want this idea of adult-ism to be better for me than what it is right now. I am truely irritated by every little thing. My mother even grills me about the jobs in which I am selecting to earn income. SHE CAN'T BE SERIOUS! I honestly need you to stop and leave me alone. I'm sorry if all the people that want me, are the same jobs that pay triple in what you make yearly, but I have to work a little harder at it, as opposed to working the rest of my life doing the same thing and wishing I could have retired when I was 55 instead 103!

Not once have I ever felt seriously challenged. I mean, if I didn't think something was for me, I just would not do it. If I didn't want to do something, I just would not do it. If I originally said I wanted to go with you to the store and then right before we walked out the door, I decided I looked like shit, I just didn't go! I want this job thing to work out. I want to be happy. I want to be able to say, "I've defeated the world!" Everytime my mom opens her mouth about something I am excited about, she brings me down by saying something that I already thought about or her tone is of disgust. Last time I checked, you weren't Oprah...

Fuck Toy

As she listened, she cried. This wasn't the first time she heard his song, and she knew it wouldn't be the last. It was the story of her life. Everyone she had ever been with; all of her friends, her associates, her enemies, her lovers...she felt used. She had been abused by a man she never knew. She was drawn to men that would always have an excuse for every little thing, and she still accepted them. She hung around people that only needed her for something other than a friendship. She was a fuck toy. She finally gave up and gave in! She ran out of batteries. She stopped operating after he hung up the phone...after she lost what she thought were her friends...as she never got the information she was seeking from the people she most adored.

As she looked back on her life, she became empty. She turned callous. She decided to never let her guard down, regardless of how genuine the next person was. No longer would anyone be able to read her. No longer could they see how easy she is. She put her middle finger up and said, "Fuck the world!" She walked out and never looked back...it was too late...she was gone.

Pet Peeve 2

Boo Boo People...better known as...

I hate boo boo people. To help you better understand who these types of people are, they are also known as Slackers, I Do No Work-kind of people, Shitty people, Assholes, The Motherfuckers You Stomp On In The Club Cause They Too Damn Dumb To Realize They Are Not The Next Best Thing to God....

These are the type of people that disappoint you when they need to come through for a project. The people that you would think would never show their true colors until they really got to know you. These are the people that will not return your phone call, email, etc., but when you finally get in contact with them, they have every excuse in the book as to why they either didn't receive your message(s) or couldn't get back to you in time. These are the type of people who plan events the very last minute and get mad when the people they would like to go, can't go. These are the people that ask you if you need help in the stores and when you do ask them for help, they look at you like you are stupid. These are the people who want you to always do for them, but never do for you. These are the people who will say, "I'm going to call you," and never do. These are the people that need a serious reality check, because they have lost their mind at some point in life. These are the people that need to be drop-kicked in the throat because they have to idea on reality.

Now, we've all done one of the above at some point. The difference is, Boo Boo People do it all the time.

Dating Your Mother

To quote one of my best friends, "She must be retarded..."

Sorry it's been a minute, but it's been a minute since I could get online, due to moving situations and what not. Anywhoo...

As you know, the incident did occur with me and another woman about my ex. Since that incident occurred, my ex has expressed that he is not mad at me, because we got way back, but yet, he continues to bring up what happened. Also, I did meet up with him recently and as I told a friend of mine, I didn't feel anything from seeing him again. I didn't talk to him like I wanted to, but the ironic thing about the whole situation is, as I was driving, I felt like the radio was talking to me.

The Michael Basden show was on, talking about "the other woman" and how some women get involved in a relationship with a man, knowing he's with someone else. Letoya Luckett was playing, along with a slew of songs dealing with leaving 'him' alone and "the other woman".

But as we sat in my car, he just stared at me, and repeated how he was glad to see me and what not, and is really anxious about me getting an apartment. I had to express to him that until I get a job, there will be no apartment. He kept saying how "his woman" was going to call around looking for him and what not, but he didn't care, cause he was with his baby. He said I would always be his baby. But as I said before, the only feelings I had were the feelings of accomplishment; I got him away from her. His 51 year old girlfriend. His mother! Now I don't mean that he literally is with his mother, but she is 51, and apparently, he doesn't see a problem with that.

Again, I haven't discussed my disgust with him. He will be receiving some money on the first and since we met up last week, I haven't spoken to him. I've decided that once he does get things situated with his car and what not, I told him, he needs to roll to where I am or we meet on my end of town. Then, that way we can talk. Like it felt like old times, because we were both lying to someone about our location and I enjoyed being in his arms. I've always enjoyed that.

My best friend and I were eating dinner one night and I sent my ex a text message to find out how old she was. And he replied with 51. My friend and I just burst out in laughter. He said, "She's clearly retarded, because we already know he is!" We couldn't stop laughing. He also said, he sees a pattern in his female friends that were raised in a single parent home (w/o a father). I'll admit, that that may be a factor, but how much of a role it plays, I don't know.

I am just so disgusted because I've always told him to get something better. Get a 30 year old that looks 25, who has a bigger ass, or prettier smile! Don't get some bitch that has sagging breasts and sounds like your grandmother, who I can't even fight, cause I gotta respect the fact she's my elder!

And what makes the situation worse, is that I'm going crazy not being able to talk to him or text him, cause he ran out of minutes on his phone. So I've been occupying my time with other things. Things just are really weird. He thinks I'm with someone and I keep telling him I'm not. Although, it wouldn't matter, because we are just friends. But his behavior....its just....

A Young Wise Man In The Making

A young man once said...

A young man once said to me, "Don't say goodbye, because that means you will never see the other person again."

Goodbye LBE, Jr.!

Suckas Gon' Try Me

They gon' find yo' body...

Well, well, well! If it isn't you?! Past love of my life. How have you been?! I'm sorry. I can't understand. You are coughing up too much blood for me to understand the words coming out of your mouth! What was that? Oh, you love me?! Really?! I can't tell when you have bitches calling my phone asking about what's going on with us! I can't tell when you slept with those other bitches, including the germ infested white bitch! I can't tell when you can't even remember when my birthday is or when I was to graduate! I can't tell when I find hair on body that doesn't even belong to anyone 6 generations back!

Motherfucker! How dare you?! I've put 350% into a relationship that I thought would eventually work. I wanted to prove everyone wrong! I knew what we had would last! I thought you would change! Even after all of this time, it takes your mother, oops, I mean your 'girlfriend' who is old enough to be your mother, to call me and talk to me.

And after all this time....I was done with you 3 years ago after I talked to the doctor. But I always said, "Self, the two of you can be friends," because I am not the type to hold grudges, cause KARMA...yeah, that bad ass chick Karma, is a bitch! She will leave you out to dry!

I mean, the entire time since I've known, since your aunt and cousins warned me, I knew what was up. I was being a stupid bitch. Why? Because you were changing. You were more open and honest about things. Oh, and I do appreciate your honesty, for telling me what you had been up to and what not. Oh, and at one point I did believe you did love me. But I've cried my last tear for you.

Beacause as of right now, I'm through! I will make sure to let the next man know all about you. I will make sure I let him know why I have my guard up. I will let him know why I can sometimes be callous. I will let him know, if he's serious about it, he will need to prove it beyond what is imaginable. Not just by saying, but by doing.

Tell Dancer and Prancer (since the nearest person to you is about 15 miles away) about how you have this recurring dream. And how it seems so realistic. So realistic, that you can almost 'taste her'. Tell them of how she was always good to you and would come by to see you often. Tell them of how she would do anything for you, day or night. Make sure to mention how much of an ass you were when you were with her (in this dream that is). Because basically, I was an illusion.

When you do finally get your mind right, which will never be, DON'T HOLLA AT ME! Don't come by my house looking for me. Don't call my cell asking me how I am doing! None of it. If you see me in the street, don't even think to speak! You look stupid! You're the one tied up to the front of this car and got ya ass whooped by a bunch of my people who don't even know you, butt ass naked, apologizing. I'm just glad you now know how it feels to be in pain. I'm glad you know how it feels when your heart is broken.

And You Wonder Why

If life gives you lemons...

So you talk a lot of game. And then, you can't show for it. And you wonder why I feel the way I do?! You didn't have the decency to let me know until now. But I shouldn't have mixed emotions...I understand.

That's okay...we go way back. Just don't come to me when you're in a bind. I can't keep playing this game. I don't like to hold grudges, and I feel like if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But do realize that, once I stop giving, it's hard to get it back. You really do have to earn your keep.

It's Been A While

Just something I was feeling

I haven't said much in a while
I really don't have much to say
There are three more days of working with the bratz
Three more days of wearing hats

I think I am going to play a game
That would be fun
Whenever someone starts with me
I will shoot them with my gun :-p

Chu Chu is booked for the rest of the week
My hair needs a trim
And I can't get any sleep

It's hot as hell
And the mice are running wild
Ornery acts like a little child

I hope this boo boo rhyme filled your day
With happiness and joy
And many sun rays

I hope you understand
How much I am irritated
That way when I go to court
My offenses will be mitigated

Happy

I was talking to a friend and I realized...

One of my best friends asked me a few days ago, "Do you feel successful?" My response, "I don't know...I don't think so...Well, yeah." Compared to my friend, who has admitted to having big dreams, but is very lazy, our levels of success are different. I feel successful because I completed 15 years of school. Not many can do that! Hell, I know many who haven't even completed 9. I feel successful because I have made a difference in children's lives. I will always be embedded in the mind of the children I tutor(ed).

Then again, as we continued to discuss the issue, I felt like, I could have done more (as a child into a young adult). Again, though, his idea of success = happiness doesn't equate to what makes me happy. Now, don't get me wrong, we both agree on a lot of things. And we both do want some of the same things in life, however, I can wait. Just as I mentioned in a past post, I don't need it now.

My happiness comes in spurts. I am sometimes proud of myself, and other times, I am not. It's when people do the little things to let me know that I am appreciated, that lets me know that I have achieved success.

Existence

I was probably eight or nine when I was first introduced to him. He was big (or so it seemed), dark, and had pearly whites.

My mother asked, "Do you want these?" "Who is this," I asked. "That's your father." To this day, you can still see the word Dad written in pencil on the back of one of the two pictures I have of him.

I remember after she left the room, I had this sunken feeling. Quite honestly, I didn't know "fathers" existed. The neighborhood kids would talk about their fathers or dads, but I never saw them, and it never made me question where mine was. I was always a happy child (or so it seems), in her own world, doing her own thing.

While frolicking through Best Buy, looking for video games for the PC, I saw my mom talking to a man (but it didn't phase me) and when she met back up with me, she said, "He knows your father!" And I quickly looked to where I last saw the man, and I asked my mom who, and she brushed it off and said, "He's gone now."

One day, while getting my hair done (around the age of 14), my hairdresser at the time was going through a divorce. The shop was pretty much closed. I was sitting in the chair, probably getting twists and curls. I remember being there with two other women, one that had a daughter that was a few years younger than I was, and my mother. My hairdresser was venting about her divorce and so forth, and then, my mother says, "When I was going through my divorce..." I immediately blurted out, "YOU WERE MARRIED?!" All conversation ceased after that!

Since that time, I have asked at every birthday, every Christmas, and every day in between to meet this infamous man that is considered to be my father. I especially questioned his existence when my mother supposedly calculated how much he owed in back child support. I was around 16. I remember that specifically, because I kept telling her, "You know I'm about to start college in two years! Find him!"

About three years ago, while holding a conversation with my mom during Spring Break, she randomly blurts out, "Oh, by the way, your father is in Temple Hills, MD." I looked at her like, "Really?" I continued my story and it was as if she didn't say anything to me at all!

Now, I've said my first words, walked for the first time, graduated from Kindergarten, gone to 3 elementary schools and 2 middle schools, completed High School, and now...GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE! I have yet to meet this man, Barry Sealie*. I have told almost every friend, Googled his name and any name close to his from where he supposedly resided prior to his college years, called numbers that were disconnected...I even sent an email to the Montel Williams show when I was younger.

I finally concluded, despite my mother not trying to provide me with information about him or what happened, and him never contacting me (to my knowledge), that I am nonexistent. I am a piece of matter (gas to be exact-just floating around) on this Earth and that's it! I have never been taken into consideration (or so it seems) when it comes to knowing my family history. I find this very disappointing. Regardless of how the two of you feel about one another, I should come first. I think it's the most selfish thing...depriving your child from someone or something because you think that's it's best.

Oh, and believe, my mother knows how I feel about the issue. I've expressed it to her more than once. I don't want to be mad at him, because I don't know him to be mad. And whenever she talked down of him, I would defend him, because I don't know him. I don't feel that I am asking for too much. I just sometimes feel that my existence is a figment of their imagination.




*contrary to what is mentioned in the header, this is his real name

Algebra...Statistics...It's All Math

Prove it!

When your teacher called on you in school to answer the all-time favorite, "How does 2 + 2 = 4", you didn't just say, "It just does!" You had to prove it. You picked out four people in your class, or held up your hands, especially to help us visual learners, to show how 2 + 2 = 4. The same goes for Statistics. You had to prove the proof. So, you wrote it out.

If that's the case, why the hell is it so hard for you to "prove" the enormous amount of feelings you have? Oh, wait...I know! You don't have an answer, because you don't know. So you decide to stick to the same old thing. You can't keep turning in the same work, thinking that you will get an A each time. After a while, you should be learning new ways to rewrite what you have already done, otherwise, your grade becomes lower.

If I'm wrong, prove it!

Stop Acting Like A...GIRL!

This applies to any and all fans (of any one person)...Boy friends or former "Boy"friends

From what I can recall about my life, I have always been "cool". I hung out with the cool and I spoke to (what was considered) the not-so-cool. I never considered myself to be among one of the popular people, just memorable.

Most of my closest friends are female, however, a lot of my homies are guys, and they would do anything for me. For a long time, I've always questioned why this was.

Just recently, like around 3 am, I decided....and I never thought I would say this, but...STOP ACTING LIKE A GIRL! You a grown ass man! Don't go chasing me like I'm a fi ass dude, from the 'A', riding in a Caprice on 27's with the 808 blasting, and you some groupie that just can't get enough! We, as a unit, never did anything that (in my mind) was spectacular enough for you to be holding on to me like a baby koala holds on to momma!

Don't be hurt now, cause Model-esque Malinda decided to move on to something else, becasue you were just her play toy. Or, after all these years, you called me out while you were being pleasured by Trashy Tina. Don't worry. We all go through that stage in life, where we don't listen, and we do what we want to do.

Trust me, I appreciate the compliments, but...they're not the type that I want to hear. My emotions are mixed, partly because when I was feeling you, you weren't feeling me. Or, you did some real dirty shit that cut through me. Maybe it's because I continued to be around, and you were not expecting that? Maybe it's because Plan B fell through and Plan C is to go and do Plan A again?

Honestly, how I felt for you once upon a time, is not as strong as it once was. It happens! You haven't even attempted to try something else...and your perception of TIME, sucks! Being apart for awhile (whether it be 3 minutes or 3 years) is a good thing (although again, in my mind) there wasn't time for us to be together, so there shouldn't be any "I MISS YOU's"!

I could understand if I were not communicating and I were bitter with you up to the Heavens above. However, that is not the case. Whenever you call, text, IM, email (which is never) or send a friend, I still talk to you. It is sometimes better to be friends than lovers...Regardless of how every time you hear the song, Lovers and Friends, you think of me. Just think about how every time you're feeling the song, it gets you in the mood, and then.....Lil' Jon comes on. How you feel when you hear his voice...that's how I feel when you keep grilling me. I understood the first time when you told me how you felt and I will eventually need to be reminded...but do it sparingly.

This applies to any and all fans (of any one person)...Boy friends or former "Boy"friends.

Pet Peeve!

I really hate...

I really hate liars! As I mentioned before, I cannot stand when someone is not honest or is too afraid to be uprfront from the start. I understand you may have a lot going on in your life, but let me know ahead of time!.

Example(s):

1. Guy I used to date...BASTARD (or maybe not) , cheated on me with several different women, while claiming he loved me. As of now, I can say he "loves" me, but after being separated, he decides he wants to tell me about his rendezvous with other women (4 to be exact).
2. Guy has fuck friends, but pretends that that there isn't anything going on in his life. REALLY SIR?! Just realize that women are suspicious specimens of life.
3. Arrogant mofos that act like they aren't. Sweetie, I can tell by the way you are talking, that you believe what comes out of your mouth. Do me this, date yo'self!
4. Random Thought: On the show, One on One, Brianna acted like she didn't want D-Money since the beginning of the show....CLEARLY they did 'something' together on their season finale. I mean, who could blame her. I mean, if a guy I was attracted to kissed me the way he kissed her, I would have his kids on the drop of a dime! I don't know why she was frontin'!

Anywhoo! As I was saying. It is really important to express how you feel! I mean, if I were to meet you for the first time and you were to tell me you were gay, or you liked to kiss frogs, or you were once attacked by aliens, I wouldn't judge you! I mean, who am I?! I would so much appreciate it more in the beginning, like I said, last time, it is really important that we communicate. If you don't like something, let someone know. If my feet stink (which they never will), tell me! If you think that you would rather sex my friend, DON'T TELL ME....I'd rather you just inform me that you would rather venture on. And if I find out you did sex my friend and then you all decide as a collective whole that you want to ruin my life, knowing that I was deeply feeling you from the beginning, please expect a foot up ya ass!

Ethics

Shyster

Shyster is defined as an unethical person; an unscrupulous person, especially a lawyer or political representative, in a reliable dictionary.

Let's just say, there are people who no longer live in this house, but are somehow back, but are "living" with someone else. You think you are getting over....Watch ya back, BITCH!

Understand This

Do realize...

What I say is what I mean! I have rarely held back how I feel about something or someone when asked, unless I have been uncomfortable in a confrontational situation (i.e. heated debate between two former friends). Do realize that I am a grown woman, and grown women say how they feel.

• God is good all the time! All the time, God is good! Keep him first! Thanks family for always believing in me and continuing to stick by my side!
  
• It's been a long hard road...and it will continue to be bumpy. However, I have survived 5 forks in the road, and I will continue on my path to success. That path does not require the help from you, you, or your snotty ass groupies. I mean, maybe one day, we, as a people can get along, but I will be the one to start it at 323.
  
• I will miss those that have touched my life for the long term and those in the short. The ones that have greatly affected my life, are the ones I barely even know. I have learned so much from you all. I wish I could express my feelings in words. Thanks for looking and smelling good, providing the safest hugs, and useful words of encouragement (from the good lucks to the 'What Bitch' Face). I wish I could have gotten to know you better. Hopefully, by-way-of an email, messages through Facebook, phone calls, etc., I will continue my harassment, without getting any charges filed or restraining orders.
  
• I love my men, however, every man I mention is not open for discussion of whether he's the one. I mean, he is fine, but the feelings you think/want to exist do not (unless he told you something he didn't have the balls to tell me).
  
• Lastly, if I it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I hope that the realtionships I have developed will grow into something more. I am here if you need me (regardless of how you think I feel about you...You're probably wrong anyway). If I don't pick up, don't kill yourself just yet (I might be at work...I will call you on my lunch break.)

Quick Question

Why...

Why don't elevators have 'cancel' buttons? For example, in the movie The Weatherman, while Nicholas Cage is in an elevator, some kids hit every button in the elevator and there are more than 10 floors. Sometimes, people hit the wrong button when you ask them to press a certain floor. Sometimes, the 4 and 7 are above and below each other and when you say 'four, please', you will get that one person who will hit the seven instead. Or what about when you are in a hurry and are trying to get to the 7th floor and that happens. One more damn floor holding you back!

Just a random thought I had.

I Love You...I Think

I love you! I love you! I love y....I lo...I....

I've found myself dealing with this. Not because of someone else's situation, but my own. After being hurt more than once by one of the two most significant men in my life, he has decided to resurface. I spoke to him a few months ago, and it was very awkward. Not because I hadn't spoken to him in a long time, but because since 7th grade, he still doesn't know me.

I realized that this entire time, that all the time we've spent sneaking away to be together, lying to parents about our whereabouts, and even me wasting my gas to drive in the backwoods of the country as the deer go a-trolley, that I STILL LOVE HIM! I love you! I love you! I love y....I lo...I....I mean, I know I shouldn't, because he's done nothing but cause me pain and frustration. But after hearing my mother say that he stopped by the house, I'm back to thinking about him.

But...when I think about it, I think I am done! I think I am finished! I think that...NO, I know I am finished! I know I am done! He can't offer me more than a shoulder to lean on, but that's about it. He and I have been through a lot and I have a lot of baggage to carry because of him. And when I think about how close my time is from departing from the place I've called home for the last 5 years, I prepare to deal with his shenanigans. I also prepare for the future relationships where he may or may not be involved (the ones where I have to get a restraining order; although he would never do anything to hurt me). Because of him, I have been afraid to seek a relationship with the few encounters I have had at this institution, over the last 5 years. Instead, I've just sought to make everyone else happy, without putting myself first.

Since I am retiring from this place, I will make an effort to put myself first when I return to my permanent residence. Which means, the very chance he gets to see me, I will smile, say hello, and keep moving.

Temptations

Pronunciation: tem(p)-'tA-sh&n
Function: noun
1 : the act of tempting or the state of being tempted especially to evil : ENTICEMENT
2 : something tempting : a cause or occasion of enticement

Don't let it get to you. BE STRONG! Don't complain about your insecurities when you continue to add to them (i.e. by consuming more than average, belittling yourself, etc.). Don't go for 'it' because it feels good to you, and you are not prepared for the repercussions (i.e. getting the goodies without protection and then getting her pregnant or getting the goodies without protection and contracting his disease(s)).

No matter how satisfying it will be, review the consequences. Majority of the time, it will not be worth it in the long run. Some may get hurt.

Let's Do Business...Or Not

Communication is very important....

When doing business, example 1, if there are mixed interests or conflicting ideas, they need to be addressed as soon as the problem arises. Not right after the final deal is coming to a close.

Example 2, when doing business, please, make sure business is done correctly. Don't promise the job to eight qualified individuals, when you intend to hire none. Inform them of how you feel. "Although you are very qualified for the position, and since your hiring is in my hands, I just don't like you enough to hire you, even though I promised it to you!"

Finally, when doing business, don't delegate and then turn around and blame everyone else for your failures. People outside of the organizational circle should not approach those within it, by saying, "Why is 'the delegate' so whack?!" As the delegate, if you feel that something isn't correct, tell those that are in the organization so that the problem can be resolved as a collective group (which means some initiative from you as well).

When doing business, the only way to come to a happy ending is by communicating. Communication is important! How else do you expect for your message to reach your audience? If you have the time to talk among your significant others and complain about something or someone that is bothersome, you have the time to voice it to those involved. You would be respected so much more if the feelings that are being held within, were stated.

Adaptation

This is not what I was taught in school...

"What made you think that what you just did was cool? You apparently weren't listening to me when I told you the first time, not to do that! Well since you think you know so much, know this...." After being around someone for so long, do we do the things they do just because it's something learned? If so, why? Why is it that the actions of others carry over? Do we do these things, because we desire attention, because we think it's cool or just for the hell of it? Are we taking in these actions as our own, so that we can be more popular? Or is it to gain self-confidence, because we don't know our ownself?

I have always felt that I was my own person. I can't really recall a time in which I 'joined' in with everyone else (except at basketball games, when the opposing team loses their mind). Anywhoo. It dawned on me how some people seem to take on the shape of their environment. I mean, I understand that you feel the need to follow others, but I really need you to follow your own drum!

For example, Vicky is picking on Angela, and Shayla is Angela's best friend. Instead of sticking up for Angela, Shayla joins Vicky in taunting Angela. I've always been told, you don't know the next person, nor do you know what they are going through. A few months down the road, Shayla is sitting in court on the stand, with cracked ribs, and a busted eye. The prosecution asks, "Shayla, how well did you know the defendant?" Her response, "We've been best friends since kindergarten. So, I feel I know her very well!" Guess, what deary, YOU DIDN'T!

I've had several people in the last month come to me with something similar to this (minus being in court). Their loved ones have said or done something way out of character, and have been doing so for a while. A lot of them have turned to these people in confidence, hoping that what had been discussed would go in one ear and out the other (in other words, not to four other people).

I think we sometimes forget to put ourselves in the other person's shoes. Unless someone comes up to me and says, "Ms. T, let's have a focus group on my issues", I'm not going out to tell everyone else in my inner/outer circle of associates, friends, and accomplices. It is very apparent that you still have some evolving to do as a person, but we all are adults. I need you to adapt as such and keep things moving!

In Retrospect

Thinking back on it....

Just in general, I sometimes get stuck thinking back on it. I think about how life could have been if....I hadn't gotten with Larry...I had my father present in my life...I hadn't gone to Harvard. Wait...I didn't go to Harvard! But what if I had?!

In retrospect, what if I hadn't said the things that I said to the people that trust the most? What if I ran track while in high school? What if I went to a differnet high school? What if the friends I had were my enemies? What if the friends I have are my enemies?! It seems like the ones I hardly know, are really the closest to me. I have gained so much within the last year, that I don't know how to handle it all. Like I said before, I don't regret anything that has happened in my life. There are just some things...In retrospect.

Some Real Suspicious Activities

Two men, standing with black trenchcoats in 85 degree weather...Young black male standing outside with his back to semi-heavy traffic in a corner of a building (as if he is receiving some play)...A woman looks around in a busy crowd and then drops her bag and runs....

As my boy Woody would say, "That's looks a little suspect!" I just sometimes don't understand where things come from. I try to make the best (and absolute possible worse) of situations, so that I am prepared for the unknown.

For example, a friend of mine has a girl trying to meet up with him randomly in the night. Now, this guy is really cool, and he at one point liked the girl. However, as I tried to explain to him, people just don't drop by randomly all in the nights of the howling wolves! She has to be up to something! So that matters don't get worse, I explained to him, if she does call to come by, just let her know if he doesn't feel like having company, or if he does, fine, but don't let things get out of hand.

I mean, if that ain't suspect, I don't know what is! He asked me to put myself in his shoes, and I really couldn't. I mean, if I were a guy (fellas, I'm really about to say something really ignorant), I wouldn't turn down some ass, because that's what I would think she was trying to do when coming as late as she is trying. But, since I am a woman, if a guy were trying to come over, and it was Stifling Steven, I probably wouldn't let him come. Depending on how unique the relationship is with the person, depends on the privileged they would be. I mean, if BD#1 (HUGS TJ!) called and was saying he wants to roll through at 3 in the morn, I would give him the okay. If it were Reluctant Roger, I may have to think twice..."Just call me prior to you leaving and I'll let you know."

Matchmaker

Why must people believe this is a good thing...

Are people like dogs? Can they sense when someone is in need? If this is the case, is this the reason they feel they can play matchmaker? Why does this hooker have to put me in a situation that I don't want to be in?

Recently, while taking a break from the day, Random Rita tries to connect me and this guy (who I've known since my 2nd year of school), all because we both were single. Sweety, I don't know you, I don't know him...but I do know, try that *sniff* again, and get ya face smashed!

I hate the idea of hooking people up. I've never been the type to do it. As a matter of fact, I don't encourage people to even 'talk'. For example, I have names for guys around campus. This is nothing new. I have been naming men since my days at Augustus J. As a matter of fact as previously stated in a past post, I 'harass' men. Just because I may refer to these individuals with a smile, doesn't mean I need you to send a message to them saying, "Ms. T wants you!" I mean, what is that?! I mean, if I really needed help, would I be able to get away with the things that I say to them?!

Anywhoo. Matchmaking is for the birds! Why must people believe this is a good thing?! Now sometimes, it does work, but to be honest, I can't say I know a couple that has worked because Psychic Pam said so.

The part I hate the most is when something is going wrong in the relationship and the hooker (male or female) doesn't get the blame. Here, the hookees, who were doing just fine prior to the hook up, are going at each other's throats, all because they don't have anything in common. Or one is more dominant and the other is too naive to realize that they need to step away from the situation. Even worse, the hooker is feeling guilty for hooking the hookees, but doesn't do anything about it. They'd just rather standback and watch Maniac Mike or Killer Karen go to jail for the rest of their everlasting life!

If you want to keep your loved ones around, friends, relatives (moms and dads and sometimes grandparents), and strangers, please leave the matchmaking to TIME.

College Life

It's been real...

As I roll around into my last few months before 'adulthood', I have reviewed my years as a college student. If I were given the opportunity to change some things, I wouldn't. I have enjoyed my time as an undergraduate, at a premier institution. There are things that I wish I had done, but because of my personality, I am not regretful. I sometimes dream of one day returning to this earth as the same person, with all events being the same, but me doing more than I already have done. For example, I would still volunteer for some organizations, but I would also be a member of the PeaceCorps. Or I would be treasurer of one of my favorite organizations as opposed to just being involved.

I have always felt that it is important to go beyond what is required of you. However, in my book, I go beyond the requirements only in interest. Yeah, a lot of people study and study and study to get the best of grades, but for me, grades aren't all that important. In the three elementary schools I attended, I was one of the top students. I got all of the awards and recognition. I won the spelling bees for my area. Throughout my time there, my fellow students would come to me in need or on the flip side, I would get picked on for being a 'nerd'. However, during one award ceremony (my last year there), another young woman was receiving majority of the awards. My class was in the back of the auditorium, and I was sitting near the end of one of the rows. My classmates, as well as other students, were looking at me as if I had stood in front of them naked. One of my classmates said to me, "Why aren't you getting these awards?!"

Now, let me put you in my position. I was fine with this young lady receiving these awards. As a matter of fact, I think I was in another world. But when my classmate said this too me, and as other students looked at me as if they were disgusted, I became uncomfortable. I think that day, I received 3 awards as opposed to the 6 or seven I had received in the previous years. I felt as if I had let them down, but at the same time, it made me feel bad, because I felt like I should have been up there. From that point on, I think I deteriorated. Instead of being winner of the school spelling bee, I was runner up because I had mispelled a word on purpose to give someone else an opportunity to be winner. I didn't care to be in the highest level reading book, Caravans, like the other two or three people in my class. I just wanted to stay in the mediocre group (which consisted also of a few students), while the rest of my class was reading below average. My teacher tested me like three times and I think I passed by one (and I still think she gave me that one point even though I missed by one).

I never really cared about my trophies and awards until I started the orchestra. I was the only viola player for what seemed to be a long time. I was doing it BIG! But then, I bordered the middle school, high school orchestra line. I was placed in both groups. I found out that what I thought was high performance, was actually below mediocre, and I was shunned to the back of my pack (not really, but it felt that way). In the 4-5 years of being in the HS Orchestra, I got maybe 3 awards. Even when I felt like I was trying or doing what the director had asked, someone would come along and do better. And once again, the look of disgust from the orchestra director. It was as if I was a figment of their imagination.

In the present, I think that instead of giving my all, I just do well, and if I get recognition, I'll continue to do well. I am proud of myself for all of the things that I did do well in, only because they were of interest to me. For example, I really enjoyed my Personal Selling professor and his class was very inspiring. I even did well on a presentation I did on my mp3 player and everyone loved it. I on the other hand was afraid it wasn't good enough. I got an A. My Accounting II professor was funny and engaging. I busted my butt to get that 'A' (really it was a C, but it felt like an A).

I am going to miss the time that I shared with thousands of other students. I wish you all well as we separate and become successful in whatever we do, whether it's being a CEO of a company on the cover of Forbes or the next bum on the streets, who really does have the cure for AIDS. We've all impacted one another in some shape, way, fashion, or form. I love you all and if you need me, I'll be there for you! Don't hesitate to get in contact with me. If you don't have my information, find someone who does. Write Oprah! Call Jerry! Hell, call my momma! It's been real!

Don't....

Don't go there...Don't try me...Don't do that...JUST DON'T

So for those of you who don't know, I live in a house with 5 other people. We share two bathrooms, a kitchen, and washer/dryer. One of my housemates, is an older individual, who has become more than a pest!

I have never met someone who is so ornery! Everytime another housemate and I look up, there is a note posted in the house or there is a knock on the door for something that apparently is a problem for Ornery!

When Ornery is not here, oh the house is fine! No problems; no toilets backed up, no overfilled trash cans, no loud radios! The most recent incident, the toilet on our floor is _________ (The other housemate and I have no idea what's wrong with it). Ornery left a note on the door that said, "(Too much 'trallic') WHOEVER BROKE THE TOILET needs to fix it," Ornery, Sunday, 6:58pm. I assume prior to this note, Ornery confronts the other housemate by saying, that I, Ms. T, needs to call our landlord. The other housemate, told Ornery, "I don't need to do anything!"

Ornery hasn't said anything to me and to my knowledge, the toilet is still __________. We have no idea if it's clogged or what. Only Ornery knows what's wrong with it. Just like Ornery knew who stained the toilet seat purple, and that I make too much noise!

Let me say, here at 323, I, Ms. T, keep to myself. Even two of my closer housemates have admitted that they are the noisemakers when any noise comes from this room. So where Ornery gets the illegitimate facts from, I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA. But what I do know is this: Don't go there...Don't try me...Don't do that...JUST DON'T!

I Can Wait

We seek some type of love, whether it be from a friend, family member, pet, or special someone...

We've all been through it. We lay our hearts on the line, only for it to be stomped on, shattered, or broken. All we want is for some entity to love/like us as much as we love/like it.

I said love/like for a reason. A lot of us fail to differentiate the two from one another. My definition of like: to experience a delightful feeling for someone or something, enough to continue the experience, and maybe develop a love. My definition of love: to experience the highest level of euphoria for someone or something.

Now, my question is, why is it that we put ourselves through so much pain and frustration, when the someone or something doesn't experience the same level of love/like? When coming in contact with this entity, concrete or abstract, we know nothing about it. So how do you know whether you really like this thing, enough to develop a love? Oh, that's right, we like to go off of looks. When it comes right down to it, in most cases, what you thought you loved/liked (a guy/gal, a pair of shoes, school) is not what you imagined at all!

Currently, I am seeking some type of psychological help as to why I am not like most people. Like those that get offended when laughed upon becuase they 'felt' they had expressed their true feelings about their 'like' interest(s). Or those that are seeking someone to love, because they just learned to 'love' themselves. I say this because for the last 23 years of my life, 3 1/2 of which I don't really recall, 1 in which I truely miss, 7 were used finding out what I was truely about, another 1/2 disapproving parental behaviors, 6 were very confusing due to those around me, and the last 4 I have decided, that this year...I CAN WAIT!

We seek some type of love, whether it be from a friend, family member, pet, or special someone. But is it really worth the heartache and pain? Let's not go out chasing something that really isn't suppose to be. I mean, that is why we continue to suffer, right? How can you be hurt by something you never had! Don't let cloud nine, aka cloud 'like', cloud your mind! Put yourself at the top of your priority list, then shelter, food, water, education, and all the important needs...then put the wants, i.e. love. Let things happen graudally. As a sexy man once said to me, "We'll see what happens"

The love of my life isn't really a love at all. He's not even a like. He's more of a miss. But I can wait. I will wait. If it happens, it happens, but I am not going to let him spoil my future relationships as he has in the past. I would one day 'love' to give him credit, but I have to prepare for the 'like'lyhood that it will happen.

If You Haven't Seen It

Why can't there be...

Why can't there be more movies like The Inside Man and Crash? The type of movies that get you thinking.