I Love You...I Think

I love you! I love you! I love y....I lo...I....

I've found myself dealing with this. Not because of someone else's situation, but my own. After being hurt more than once by one of the two most significant men in my life, he has decided to resurface. I spoke to him a few months ago, and it was very awkward. Not because I hadn't spoken to him in a long time, but because since 7th grade, he still doesn't know me.

I realized that this entire time, that all the time we've spent sneaking away to be together, lying to parents about our whereabouts, and even me wasting my gas to drive in the backwoods of the country as the deer go a-trolley, that I STILL LOVE HIM! I love you! I love you! I love y....I lo...I....I mean, I know I shouldn't, because he's done nothing but cause me pain and frustration. But after hearing my mother say that he stopped by the house, I'm back to thinking about him.

But...when I think about it, I think I am done! I think I am finished! I think that...NO, I know I am finished! I know I am done! He can't offer me more than a shoulder to lean on, but that's about it. He and I have been through a lot and I have a lot of baggage to carry because of him. And when I think about how close my time is from departing from the place I've called home for the last 5 years, I prepare to deal with his shenanigans. I also prepare for the future relationships where he may or may not be involved (the ones where I have to get a restraining order; although he would never do anything to hurt me). Because of him, I have been afraid to seek a relationship with the few encounters I have had at this institution, over the last 5 years. Instead, I've just sought to make everyone else happy, without putting myself first.

Since I am retiring from this place, I will make an effort to put myself first when I return to my permanent residence. Which means, the very chance he gets to see me, I will smile, say hello, and keep moving.

Temptations

Pronunciation: tem(p)-'tA-sh&n
Function: noun
1 : the act of tempting or the state of being tempted especially to evil : ENTICEMENT
2 : something tempting : a cause or occasion of enticement

Don't let it get to you. BE STRONG! Don't complain about your insecurities when you continue to add to them (i.e. by consuming more than average, belittling yourself, etc.). Don't go for 'it' because it feels good to you, and you are not prepared for the repercussions (i.e. getting the goodies without protection and then getting her pregnant or getting the goodies without protection and contracting his disease(s)).

No matter how satisfying it will be, review the consequences. Majority of the time, it will not be worth it in the long run. Some may get hurt.

Let's Do Business...Or Not

Communication is very important....

When doing business, example 1, if there are mixed interests or conflicting ideas, they need to be addressed as soon as the problem arises. Not right after the final deal is coming to a close.

Example 2, when doing business, please, make sure business is done correctly. Don't promise the job to eight qualified individuals, when you intend to hire none. Inform them of how you feel. "Although you are very qualified for the position, and since your hiring is in my hands, I just don't like you enough to hire you, even though I promised it to you!"

Finally, when doing business, don't delegate and then turn around and blame everyone else for your failures. People outside of the organizational circle should not approach those within it, by saying, "Why is 'the delegate' so whack?!" As the delegate, if you feel that something isn't correct, tell those that are in the organization so that the problem can be resolved as a collective group (which means some initiative from you as well).

When doing business, the only way to come to a happy ending is by communicating. Communication is important! How else do you expect for your message to reach your audience? If you have the time to talk among your significant others and complain about something or someone that is bothersome, you have the time to voice it to those involved. You would be respected so much more if the feelings that are being held within, were stated.

Adaptation

This is not what I was taught in school...

"What made you think that what you just did was cool? You apparently weren't listening to me when I told you the first time, not to do that! Well since you think you know so much, know this...." After being around someone for so long, do we do the things they do just because it's something learned? If so, why? Why is it that the actions of others carry over? Do we do these things, because we desire attention, because we think it's cool or just for the hell of it? Are we taking in these actions as our own, so that we can be more popular? Or is it to gain self-confidence, because we don't know our ownself?

I have always felt that I was my own person. I can't really recall a time in which I 'joined' in with everyone else (except at basketball games, when the opposing team loses their mind). Anywhoo. It dawned on me how some people seem to take on the shape of their environment. I mean, I understand that you feel the need to follow others, but I really need you to follow your own drum!

For example, Vicky is picking on Angela, and Shayla is Angela's best friend. Instead of sticking up for Angela, Shayla joins Vicky in taunting Angela. I've always been told, you don't know the next person, nor do you know what they are going through. A few months down the road, Shayla is sitting in court on the stand, with cracked ribs, and a busted eye. The prosecution asks, "Shayla, how well did you know the defendant?" Her response, "We've been best friends since kindergarten. So, I feel I know her very well!" Guess, what deary, YOU DIDN'T!

I've had several people in the last month come to me with something similar to this (minus being in court). Their loved ones have said or done something way out of character, and have been doing so for a while. A lot of them have turned to these people in confidence, hoping that what had been discussed would go in one ear and out the other (in other words, not to four other people).

I think we sometimes forget to put ourselves in the other person's shoes. Unless someone comes up to me and says, "Ms. T, let's have a focus group on my issues", I'm not going out to tell everyone else in my inner/outer circle of associates, friends, and accomplices. It is very apparent that you still have some evolving to do as a person, but we all are adults. I need you to adapt as such and keep things moving!

In Retrospect

Thinking back on it....

Just in general, I sometimes get stuck thinking back on it. I think about how life could have been if....I hadn't gotten with Larry...I had my father present in my life...I hadn't gone to Harvard. Wait...I didn't go to Harvard! But what if I had?!

In retrospect, what if I hadn't said the things that I said to the people that trust the most? What if I ran track while in high school? What if I went to a differnet high school? What if the friends I had were my enemies? What if the friends I have are my enemies?! It seems like the ones I hardly know, are really the closest to me. I have gained so much within the last year, that I don't know how to handle it all. Like I said before, I don't regret anything that has happened in my life. There are just some things...In retrospect.

Some Real Suspicious Activities

Two men, standing with black trenchcoats in 85 degree weather...Young black male standing outside with his back to semi-heavy traffic in a corner of a building (as if he is receiving some play)...A woman looks around in a busy crowd and then drops her bag and runs....

As my boy Woody would say, "That's looks a little suspect!" I just sometimes don't understand where things come from. I try to make the best (and absolute possible worse) of situations, so that I am prepared for the unknown.

For example, a friend of mine has a girl trying to meet up with him randomly in the night. Now, this guy is really cool, and he at one point liked the girl. However, as I tried to explain to him, people just don't drop by randomly all in the nights of the howling wolves! She has to be up to something! So that matters don't get worse, I explained to him, if she does call to come by, just let her know if he doesn't feel like having company, or if he does, fine, but don't let things get out of hand.

I mean, if that ain't suspect, I don't know what is! He asked me to put myself in his shoes, and I really couldn't. I mean, if I were a guy (fellas, I'm really about to say something really ignorant), I wouldn't turn down some ass, because that's what I would think she was trying to do when coming as late as she is trying. But, since I am a woman, if a guy were trying to come over, and it was Stifling Steven, I probably wouldn't let him come. Depending on how unique the relationship is with the person, depends on the privileged they would be. I mean, if BD#1 (HUGS TJ!) called and was saying he wants to roll through at 3 in the morn, I would give him the okay. If it were Reluctant Roger, I may have to think twice..."Just call me prior to you leaving and I'll let you know."

Matchmaker

Why must people believe this is a good thing...

Are people like dogs? Can they sense when someone is in need? If this is the case, is this the reason they feel they can play matchmaker? Why does this hooker have to put me in a situation that I don't want to be in?

Recently, while taking a break from the day, Random Rita tries to connect me and this guy (who I've known since my 2nd year of school), all because we both were single. Sweety, I don't know you, I don't know him...but I do know, try that *sniff* again, and get ya face smashed!

I hate the idea of hooking people up. I've never been the type to do it. As a matter of fact, I don't encourage people to even 'talk'. For example, I have names for guys around campus. This is nothing new. I have been naming men since my days at Augustus J. As a matter of fact as previously stated in a past post, I 'harass' men. Just because I may refer to these individuals with a smile, doesn't mean I need you to send a message to them saying, "Ms. T wants you!" I mean, what is that?! I mean, if I really needed help, would I be able to get away with the things that I say to them?!

Anywhoo. Matchmaking is for the birds! Why must people believe this is a good thing?! Now sometimes, it does work, but to be honest, I can't say I know a couple that has worked because Psychic Pam said so.

The part I hate the most is when something is going wrong in the relationship and the hooker (male or female) doesn't get the blame. Here, the hookees, who were doing just fine prior to the hook up, are going at each other's throats, all because they don't have anything in common. Or one is more dominant and the other is too naive to realize that they need to step away from the situation. Even worse, the hooker is feeling guilty for hooking the hookees, but doesn't do anything about it. They'd just rather standback and watch Maniac Mike or Killer Karen go to jail for the rest of their everlasting life!

If you want to keep your loved ones around, friends, relatives (moms and dads and sometimes grandparents), and strangers, please leave the matchmaking to TIME.