Planning

Just not my forte...

Regardless of what anyone says, planning is for the birds. When you plan, things don't happen. I was expecting certain things for my birthday, which has almost been over for an hour now, and I ended up with nothing. Expecting can be linked to planning, because you set yourself up for the okie doke, and nothing happens.

I mean, there is always tomorrow (and I do accept birthday wishes the day after), but once March 1st hits, it's a wrap! Just kidding!!! But I was disappointed. Life moves on. I'm sure that it will all be made up in due time. Plus, I think folks are mad at me or more like irritated and they need a break. I respect that.

One of my favorite people said to me that I need to get a hustle and start tutoring some kids or something, due to me finding out some info about my job. I really hadn't dwelled on it (my job) all day. It was more like I laughed at it, becasue I know that it is a very lucrative job and that I CAN do it, but I WARNED my employer when I interviewed that I am a little slow. And with the events that have happened since I've been home, I really, really, really haven't adjusted to being home and accepting some things the way they are.

God's hands...

The Next Time

I guarantee you...

If she tries me..., just one time, I probably will say what I shouldn't. What I shouldn't say is, "I learned from you!"

Many times, with disgust, "Why must you do that," or "Why do you do that?" Because you showed me. You showed me how to be a lazy ass. You showed me how to be tolerant of those you hate to be around. You've shown me how to live my life...really you have. And it irks my last nerve. I can't stand it! I can't take this anymore! Like, you can't be serious, but you want me to do for you, because you have plans?! Well my plans are to do for me when I'm ready to. And once those plans are fulfilled, trust me, I won't be around.

The Power of the Goodies

Goodies = MY life

I don't understand how people can be all up in what you do, but never take care of their own. I mean, if you were a guy, you'd be slurping me dry right now. I am not a gossip magazine and I am not the biggest scandal of 2007! Do you and I do me! Being that you are so drawn into the life of Ms. T, I hope it's good to ya, cause you refuse to let it go.

Just don't make sense to Ms. T.

Arghhhhh

One dream is shattered...at least for this year...

We get too caught up in what each other is doing, we don't take a look inside and see who we are and what we are doing. That's why you have children wanting to be like 50 Cent. And nothing wrong with wanting to be like him, but you can't spell raper, unless you have two p's.

When I do plan things (which isn't very often), I do so in the wrong way. And even though it hurts to know the bad news, it's good news too! I now have time to plan for it again, possibly next year.

My head hurts so much from EVERYTHING! My contacts, my nerves, my 'unsuccessfulness', etc. I am trying my best to stay positive through this whole process. I feel like I can't take it, but I know that He will not place more on me than I can bear. This is my time to get closer to Him, and however it will be done, it will be done. I just need to stop and breathe deeply and concentrate on what I need to do in order to come out on top.

Limitations

I bet you won't cross this line...

Learn when to stop and go. Pump yo' brakes. This is not 4th grade and we are not pushing the envelope by crossing every line drawn in the dirt. We grown, and you know better. Ms. T don't ask for much, 100% guaranteed or your money back, but do expect your feelings to be hurt. This isn't the first time I've expressed this. I have posted many posts about how communication, and understanding it, verbal and nonveral, is important.

Don't go overboard. I promise you, your lifeline will not be thrown. I will watch your ass drown. As a matter of fact, I may have been the one that tripped you up or even pushed you over the side! If you want to keep talkin' out the side of your neck, when I have already told you more than once that I have been offended with your comments, actions, or hairstyles, I will lay you out. Don't continue to tell me what I do and I'm hiding info and what not, cause it's not like that. I never disrespect you and go beyond the norm about you and yours. By the way, why are you in my mix, without a spoon?!

Alone

Really sucks...

I really hate being and feeling alone. I even feel like I have left myself alone. I'm just not happy. A test on blogrings once told me my inner child is sad. I have almost 24 years of catching up on things that I never thought about before. I have to find ways to complete the puzzle. It's as if I opened up the box to put the puzzle together, and I only have one of the five pieces. What am I to do with that?!

As I was going through someone's blog on Xanga, they said something that I tend to forget. When one thing bad leaves you, something 10x better will come along. For me, it's not so much that I need to have someone, but more like I just need someone that is there consistently, that will always be available. Someone that will always have my back regardless. Someone I can really confide in with every detail of my life and no judgement will be passed. And although I have friends like that, I still have a void of that sigfig.

Plus, what really gets me, is it seems that men don't want to express how they feel, especially when I really believe that a guy, being that he is a guy, should be able to express what he wants when he wants. I mean, who am I?! I am no threat to you whatsoever! I am not the type to be intimidating. I don't know. I just really just want to be happy...

Imaginary

Am I dreaming...

My entire life has been built upon dreams. I have been dreaming since birth. Not the dreams of goal chasing, but dreams...the kind you get when you zone out. The kind that you have when you look at your significant other.

I tend to believe that our dreams tell us what we really feel and even lead us to our true destinations. Unfortunately, we can't control our imaginations. I like to call my dreams "real" and "fake". The real ones are the deja vu's. The ones where you can really feel the person or object and when you wake up, it lingers with you all day. I love dreaming, but man, it can get scary.

The fake ones are the ones that I usually want to happen. The ones that spring about because of the last conversation you had right before going to sleep and after watching something like Saving Private Ryan (because I seem to always enjoy falling asleep on war movies), you have that outrageous dream where your cousin and Bookie are shooting cows and ostriches. You wake up like, WTF?!

I have this dream...a fake one. But nonetheless, I would like for it to happen. Maybe it will if I click my heels two times...

All Grown Up

Let's pretend...

Your age is not what were before children. Let me remind you that you are a leader. Unfortunately, as a leader, you have failed your people. You have become a bigger disappointment over the years than when an 8 year old finds out there is no Santa Claus. As time has progressed, especially since I need to keep track of time, there are cues that show how you have digressed. And although we try to set ourselves apart, we are too much alike. I sometimes wonder what it would be like...

If both of you were present. Or if the shoe were on the other foot, and I had no clue to who you were. There is a reason for everything. I respect that. However, don't expect nothing from me if you aren't giving up anything. Time and time again, I have stressed the importance of communicating. You wonder why I act the way I do, well that's only because I learned it from you. Nothing that I do is done purposely. I don't do it to hurt or anger you. But let's pretend for 5 minutes you are an adult, because I am.

Superstar

The J-Lo's and Beyonce's...

So just in a matter of seconds after signing in, I refused to be one of the ones getting all the attention now and then in about a few more months, be spat out because my name and face are everywhere. I don't want to go into hiding but rather come from out of it.

Our time is coming...

Will You Still Love Me After This?

I may get jumped because of what I am about to say, but I really want you to still love me afterward....

ALL MEN ARE JUST ALIKE! Now, I really don't mean that, but this one guy...well, there are these men that remain in contact with me (and not the other way around) that are just alike. And I really hate to depreciate the value of some of the real men I know such as Baby Daddy #1, Sutherland, Boom Boom, and Mandingo (just to name a few), by referring to these men as such. So instead of putting them in that category, let's refer to them as Certified Crazies (CCs). Since I never got the memo that you made 3 years ago while I was away in school, and since it was never addressed to 2957, I have all right to put in my 30 seconds notice. Don't worry about the other 9 days and 30 seconds, because it's just not needed.

I am not knocking your dreams of being somebody in life or having your name written across a billboard. I'm not knocking your drive to have 8 cars and no place to stay or the fact that you get off of probabtion next month after 8 years. I just don't want you to believe that I am really here to upgrade you or to support you through this process that you've been going through since I've known you. Initially, because I was young and dumb, I thought, "Good for you!" But when you start playing the same beats you played when I first talked to you on the phone 10 years ago or you are still using the same 7 year-old notebook to misspell your freestyles in, I really can't associate. I don't want to hear about how you're over your baby mama, when I clearly know you just acting on the phone. I don't want to read your Happy Valentine's Day text messages you sent via your sister's phone. I don't want you to call me after not talking to you for one day and hearing you say, "Ya don't luv ya boy no mo'?" And then you use words like, ding-a-ling...

We are adults now. Please act like one. I can honestly say that the real men are struggling through this real deal called life. The real men are working and trying to support themselves, not just make some money here and there to purchase a new television that they have no space for or keep up with people that they claim they care about every 6 months-2 years. The real men are not ashamed to talk on the phone to another woman while the main squeeze is in the room. The real men who gain my respect, respect me. They don't use and abuse me. They don't get nervous and jealous when someone else is in my territory, because they KNOW I will always, always, always have time and love for them. Unfortunately for you, as a CC, you tend to catch on a little late. Please note when my birthday is and don't say things like, "Your birthday right after my daddy's and his is on the 15th." Please catch MY memo that I sent out several times informing you that you call me too much. Please don't send me text messages thinking you are being cutesy with me, when I will send back a laughing smiley and you think it's a happy smiley. As a CC I appreciate your words and the little bit that you do, but in order for you to keep the little status that you do have, please step your game up.

Happy 'Your Name Here' Day!!!

Valentine who?

I can't really say I am not a believer in Valentine's. I just don't know who the brother is. I've never had a Valentine during this time, and honestly, if I did, I wouldn't know how to act. I wouldn't know how to act in the sense that I would probably seem unappreciative of whatever my sigfig may have prepared for me. Now, I'm not really speaking like my good friend, but I can understand where he comes from. I've seen too many cases of men going out of their way to do for women that they will probably dump in the next 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...and yep, another 12 women got dropped. Or, women are quick to get upset because they didn't receive what they feel should be well deserved.

If you've been keeping up with what I've been posting, you may have noticed that either I or someone(s) that I know have seriously been through the mud and then some. Quite frankly, for me, I'd be happy if a guy just showed up for once and just said "Happy Valentine's Day, boo." Better yet, "I love you."

Now, my baby daddy (not in it's literal sense), my bookie, and all the other randoms (friends included) sent me text messages or Facebook wall posts and I greatly appreciated it. Because that's the type of woman that I am. Honestly, I think I would do the exact opposite if I were booed up. I would probably be the one buying something and pampering my shnookie. *I refuse to really use words like that in real life, but just to add spice to the post.

This day should also be a day for men. I actually laugh in guys' faces when they think that EVERY woman feels and thinks the same way. NOT! Ms. T is quite unique...

I am wishing everyone a Happy 'Your Name Here' Day! I hope you do enjoy it whether you are alone, with a vibrator, a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family, dog, squirrel, etc. This day is for the birds!!!

Leave Me Alone

I've always believed...

And I've always known that things were different for me. I've always accepted people for who they are, because for one, it's not for me to judge, and two, sometimes people don't know any better. Lately, I have seriously been going through things. I don't think I am dealing with those things like people WANT me to deal with them, and a I think a lot of it has to do with me and how I don't tell my business. Quite frankly, I could care less. I respect everyone, but sometimes I am not respected back. Everyone has their way of dealing with life experiences. Unfortunately, I don't know any better.