Happy

I was talking to a friend and I realized...

One of my best friends asked me a few days ago, "Do you feel successful?" My response, "I don't know...I don't think so...Well, yeah." Compared to my friend, who has admitted to having big dreams, but is very lazy, our levels of success are different. I feel successful because I completed 15 years of school. Not many can do that! Hell, I know many who haven't even completed 9. I feel successful because I have made a difference in children's lives. I will always be embedded in the mind of the children I tutor(ed).

Then again, as we continued to discuss the issue, I felt like, I could have done more (as a child into a young adult). Again, though, his idea of success = happiness doesn't equate to what makes me happy. Now, don't get me wrong, we both agree on a lot of things. And we both do want some of the same things in life, however, I can wait. Just as I mentioned in a past post, I don't need it now.

My happiness comes in spurts. I am sometimes proud of myself, and other times, I am not. It's when people do the little things to let me know that I am appreciated, that lets me know that I have achieved success.

Existence

I was probably eight or nine when I was first introduced to him. He was big (or so it seemed), dark, and had pearly whites.

My mother asked, "Do you want these?" "Who is this," I asked. "That's your father." To this day, you can still see the word Dad written in pencil on the back of one of the two pictures I have of him.

I remember after she left the room, I had this sunken feeling. Quite honestly, I didn't know "fathers" existed. The neighborhood kids would talk about their fathers or dads, but I never saw them, and it never made me question where mine was. I was always a happy child (or so it seems), in her own world, doing her own thing.

While frolicking through Best Buy, looking for video games for the PC, I saw my mom talking to a man (but it didn't phase me) and when she met back up with me, she said, "He knows your father!" And I quickly looked to where I last saw the man, and I asked my mom who, and she brushed it off and said, "He's gone now."

One day, while getting my hair done (around the age of 14), my hairdresser at the time was going through a divorce. The shop was pretty much closed. I was sitting in the chair, probably getting twists and curls. I remember being there with two other women, one that had a daughter that was a few years younger than I was, and my mother. My hairdresser was venting about her divorce and so forth, and then, my mother says, "When I was going through my divorce..." I immediately blurted out, "YOU WERE MARRIED?!" All conversation ceased after that!

Since that time, I have asked at every birthday, every Christmas, and every day in between to meet this infamous man that is considered to be my father. I especially questioned his existence when my mother supposedly calculated how much he owed in back child support. I was around 16. I remember that specifically, because I kept telling her, "You know I'm about to start college in two years! Find him!"

About three years ago, while holding a conversation with my mom during Spring Break, she randomly blurts out, "Oh, by the way, your father is in Temple Hills, MD." I looked at her like, "Really?" I continued my story and it was as if she didn't say anything to me at all!

Now, I've said my first words, walked for the first time, graduated from Kindergarten, gone to 3 elementary schools and 2 middle schools, completed High School, and now...GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE! I have yet to meet this man, Barry Sealie*. I have told almost every friend, Googled his name and any name close to his from where he supposedly resided prior to his college years, called numbers that were disconnected...I even sent an email to the Montel Williams show when I was younger.

I finally concluded, despite my mother not trying to provide me with information about him or what happened, and him never contacting me (to my knowledge), that I am nonexistent. I am a piece of matter (gas to be exact-just floating around) on this Earth and that's it! I have never been taken into consideration (or so it seems) when it comes to knowing my family history. I find this very disappointing. Regardless of how the two of you feel about one another, I should come first. I think it's the most selfish thing...depriving your child from someone or something because you think that's it's best.

Oh, and believe, my mother knows how I feel about the issue. I've expressed it to her more than once. I don't want to be mad at him, because I don't know him to be mad. And whenever she talked down of him, I would defend him, because I don't know him. I don't feel that I am asking for too much. I just sometimes feel that my existence is a figment of their imagination.




*contrary to what is mentioned in the header, this is his real name

Algebra...Statistics...It's All Math

Prove it!

When your teacher called on you in school to answer the all-time favorite, "How does 2 + 2 = 4", you didn't just say, "It just does!" You had to prove it. You picked out four people in your class, or held up your hands, especially to help us visual learners, to show how 2 + 2 = 4. The same goes for Statistics. You had to prove the proof. So, you wrote it out.

If that's the case, why the hell is it so hard for you to "prove" the enormous amount of feelings you have? Oh, wait...I know! You don't have an answer, because you don't know. So you decide to stick to the same old thing. You can't keep turning in the same work, thinking that you will get an A each time. After a while, you should be learning new ways to rewrite what you have already done, otherwise, your grade becomes lower.

If I'm wrong, prove it!

Stop Acting Like A...GIRL!

This applies to any and all fans (of any one person)...Boy friends or former "Boy"friends

From what I can recall about my life, I have always been "cool". I hung out with the cool and I spoke to (what was considered) the not-so-cool. I never considered myself to be among one of the popular people, just memorable.

Most of my closest friends are female, however, a lot of my homies are guys, and they would do anything for me. For a long time, I've always questioned why this was.

Just recently, like around 3 am, I decided....and I never thought I would say this, but...STOP ACTING LIKE A GIRL! You a grown ass man! Don't go chasing me like I'm a fi ass dude, from the 'A', riding in a Caprice on 27's with the 808 blasting, and you some groupie that just can't get enough! We, as a unit, never did anything that (in my mind) was spectacular enough for you to be holding on to me like a baby koala holds on to momma!

Don't be hurt now, cause Model-esque Malinda decided to move on to something else, becasue you were just her play toy. Or, after all these years, you called me out while you were being pleasured by Trashy Tina. Don't worry. We all go through that stage in life, where we don't listen, and we do what we want to do.

Trust me, I appreciate the compliments, but...they're not the type that I want to hear. My emotions are mixed, partly because when I was feeling you, you weren't feeling me. Or, you did some real dirty shit that cut through me. Maybe it's because I continued to be around, and you were not expecting that? Maybe it's because Plan B fell through and Plan C is to go and do Plan A again?

Honestly, how I felt for you once upon a time, is not as strong as it once was. It happens! You haven't even attempted to try something else...and your perception of TIME, sucks! Being apart for awhile (whether it be 3 minutes or 3 years) is a good thing (although again, in my mind) there wasn't time for us to be together, so there shouldn't be any "I MISS YOU's"!

I could understand if I were not communicating and I were bitter with you up to the Heavens above. However, that is not the case. Whenever you call, text, IM, email (which is never) or send a friend, I still talk to you. It is sometimes better to be friends than lovers...Regardless of how every time you hear the song, Lovers and Friends, you think of me. Just think about how every time you're feeling the song, it gets you in the mood, and then.....Lil' Jon comes on. How you feel when you hear his voice...that's how I feel when you keep grilling me. I understood the first time when you told me how you felt and I will eventually need to be reminded...but do it sparingly.

This applies to any and all fans (of any one person)...Boy friends or former "Boy"friends.

Pet Peeve!

I really hate...

I really hate liars! As I mentioned before, I cannot stand when someone is not honest or is too afraid to be uprfront from the start. I understand you may have a lot going on in your life, but let me know ahead of time!.

Example(s):

1. Guy I used to date...BASTARD (or maybe not) , cheated on me with several different women, while claiming he loved me. As of now, I can say he "loves" me, but after being separated, he decides he wants to tell me about his rendezvous with other women (4 to be exact).
2. Guy has fuck friends, but pretends that that there isn't anything going on in his life. REALLY SIR?! Just realize that women are suspicious specimens of life.
3. Arrogant mofos that act like they aren't. Sweetie, I can tell by the way you are talking, that you believe what comes out of your mouth. Do me this, date yo'self!
4. Random Thought: On the show, One on One, Brianna acted like she didn't want D-Money since the beginning of the show....CLEARLY they did 'something' together on their season finale. I mean, who could blame her. I mean, if a guy I was attracted to kissed me the way he kissed her, I would have his kids on the drop of a dime! I don't know why she was frontin'!

Anywhoo! As I was saying. It is really important to express how you feel! I mean, if I were to meet you for the first time and you were to tell me you were gay, or you liked to kiss frogs, or you were once attacked by aliens, I wouldn't judge you! I mean, who am I?! I would so much appreciate it more in the beginning, like I said, last time, it is really important that we communicate. If you don't like something, let someone know. If my feet stink (which they never will), tell me! If you think that you would rather sex my friend, DON'T TELL ME....I'd rather you just inform me that you would rather venture on. And if I find out you did sex my friend and then you all decide as a collective whole that you want to ruin my life, knowing that I was deeply feeling you from the beginning, please expect a foot up ya ass!

Ethics

Shyster

Shyster is defined as an unethical person; an unscrupulous person, especially a lawyer or political representative, in a reliable dictionary.

Let's just say, there are people who no longer live in this house, but are somehow back, but are "living" with someone else. You think you are getting over....Watch ya back, BITCH!

Understand This

Do realize...

What I say is what I mean! I have rarely held back how I feel about something or someone when asked, unless I have been uncomfortable in a confrontational situation (i.e. heated debate between two former friends). Do realize that I am a grown woman, and grown women say how they feel.

• God is good all the time! All the time, God is good! Keep him first! Thanks family for always believing in me and continuing to stick by my side!
  
• It's been a long hard road...and it will continue to be bumpy. However, I have survived 5 forks in the road, and I will continue on my path to success. That path does not require the help from you, you, or your snotty ass groupies. I mean, maybe one day, we, as a people can get along, but I will be the one to start it at 323.
  
• I will miss those that have touched my life for the long term and those in the short. The ones that have greatly affected my life, are the ones I barely even know. I have learned so much from you all. I wish I could express my feelings in words. Thanks for looking and smelling good, providing the safest hugs, and useful words of encouragement (from the good lucks to the 'What Bitch' Face). I wish I could have gotten to know you better. Hopefully, by-way-of an email, messages through Facebook, phone calls, etc., I will continue my harassment, without getting any charges filed or restraining orders.
  
• I love my men, however, every man I mention is not open for discussion of whether he's the one. I mean, he is fine, but the feelings you think/want to exist do not (unless he told you something he didn't have the balls to tell me).
  
• Lastly, if I it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I hope that the realtionships I have developed will grow into something more. I am here if you need me (regardless of how you think I feel about you...You're probably wrong anyway). If I don't pick up, don't kill yourself just yet (I might be at work...I will call you on my lunch break.)

Quick Question

Why...

Why don't elevators have 'cancel' buttons? For example, in the movie The Weatherman, while Nicholas Cage is in an elevator, some kids hit every button in the elevator and there are more than 10 floors. Sometimes, people hit the wrong button when you ask them to press a certain floor. Sometimes, the 4 and 7 are above and below each other and when you say 'four, please', you will get that one person who will hit the seven instead. Or what about when you are in a hurry and are trying to get to the 7th floor and that happens. One more damn floor holding you back!

Just a random thought I had.