I'm A Failure

Not completely...

As I was discussing with some people, I failed my exam to get my license for my job, by 10 points. I wasn't disappointed, but I wasn't happy either. I really wanted to take the exam next week, but my boss was saying to go ahead and take it as soon as possible while the information was still fresh. So when I called to schedule the test, which is only offered Thursday through Saturday, I chose this Saturday, a day after the classes ended.

I am not sure of what I am about to say, but I think this other girl who was in my class is working for the same company as I. She however, scheduled her test for this coming Thursday. Now, I felt so pressured (to pass, learn new material (two parts) in a week, and to schedule the exam as early as possible), just so I could kill $90 I DIDN'T have.

I feel as though I failed, EVERYONE! The people at my job are very supportive and said that I would do fine and everytime I heard someone say it (friends, family, associates, etc.), I would push myself extra hard, because I didn't want to fail them. I wanted to make sure I did enough to please them.

Well, in the end, I'm not a complete failure. I just hate when I do that to myself. I set myself up. I was trying to use everyone's words of encouragement to motivate my brain to absorb the information, that simply I blanked out. Like I probably got like 2 hrs of sleep, and I probably would have gotten more if Wrong Number New York Chick #9 didn't call my house at 12:30 AM EST time. But what's even worse is when I was driving, I was swerving in my lane. I wasn't asleep or anything, but it was as if my mind was in another world. Luckily, it was 7:00 AM and no one was really driving on the expressway.

I need to develop myself into a more positive and motivated person. I mean, if I had the weekend to study, I would have been okay. Oh well, now I have two weeks to study...

I Don't Understand

I just don't get it...

I have yet to grasp how I have made it as far as I have in life. I continuously doubt myself and my abilities (especially if I think I am not doing well or know I am behind), I slack from time to time, and to most people who meet me (or know me), my response time and decision making is backward.

I just don't get it! As you may recall, depending on which blog you have read, I have been taking a class for a week for my job. There are two parts. Well, the 2nd half of the week, we discussed Health and honestly, ALL of it went over my head. The other portion which was taught earlier in the week, I understood it, but not enough to pass majority of that section to give me the most points on the exam and still pass. Each section is equally weighted and then there are additional questions.

Point in saying all that is I have totally BONKED out! I was on a roll until one of my best friends called. After I hung up the phone, the information was not retained. I took the practice tests and I still didn't do well.

The penalty for all of this? I HAVE NO CLUE! Honestly, I don't think there is one...besides paying for the test again. I would just have to inform my boss that I was not able to pass and ask what needs to be done from that point on, besides reschedule the test.

I think I can add this to my list of events that continue to haunt me....

Treat Others Like You Want To Be Treated

Tulips are beautiful too

I never quite understood why a man or woman would rape another human being. I have never quite understood why a man or woman would take someone's life. The first thing that always comes to my mind, "I would never want that to happen to me." Knowing that I have no control of my life, I have been given options...choices...alternatives in which all have their own consequences. I pray that I always make the right selection, so that I am led in the better direction.

The reason I say all of this...why in the hell would you want to hurt someone you love. You have expressed that this person is someone you would do anything for, die for...but you are treating that person(s) as if they are chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe.

Women and men alike do it all the time to each other. I believe this is why we feel the way we feel about each other (men hating women, women hating men), and therefore, it is transferred to our children and children's children. Then, we have a fad of homo-sexuality running amok.

If we treated each other like it was our most valuable posession, would we hate each other so much? Our friends, lovers, family...

My tolerance level is abnormal. I take a lot of things others wouldn't. As I get older, I believe that the size of my heart is innate, and therefore, I would always be the one giving. The other person would always experience turmoil because of their selection. My part...is to indirectly inform the individual of an alternative to the decision made, by just providing a shoulder. I mean, why should I cause myself agony over someone who has yet to realize the value that I can bring to his/her life. I know I am not that roses you were expecting, but tulips are beautiful too.

Hustle

I need one

Selfish

Maybe I'm selfish...

The superficial ones, the more intimate ones, down to the "I Only Talk To You When I See You In The Street, Because I Know You Are Not Safe" ones...I take all of my relationships seriously. The way I see things, you never know when you need someone. Plus, I don't know about you, but I refuse to have my name on the suicide note:

I have committed suicide because Ms. T did not accept my phone call earlier today.
Sincerely,
Secluded and Seductive Stephen

I just refuse. I also refuse to share what I feel is mine. I do not mind being your support when your girl just cursed you out or when your man just fucked your face up because he saw you out with your male cousin, but do understand if a serious, down & dirty relationship is going on between us, I do not need my friends, my dog, or my own two eyes to catch you doing otherwise. I feel that I am a very special person to everyone I meet. Especially, if we had a relationship that went beyond "Hey, how you doing?"

I do not apprciate your other friends, male or female, not knowing who I am. Therefore, when I call, stop by, or send you a postcard, she won't give me the boo boo face, nor will she kick you out. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that they need to know every detail about how we are really sister and brother or she was my cousin twice removed, but my name should come up at some point and I would hope that whoever you are with, whether it's Blow-Job Betty or Butt-Licker Bob, knows and understands what our relationship consists of.

I also feel like if you are my friend, and you know another friend of mine, at least include me in some of the events that may occur (regardless if I am not the first person you think about when it is time to go out), just so I don't run across pictures of the outing on Facebook, Myspace, etc. and become hurt because I was not invited. It puts me out of the loop. I'm not saying I need to attend each and every event, but if I go to introduce you to someone and the both of you are all giddy because y'all had such a great time the last two weekends you all went out as a group, I will not be too active in the activities set forth! Know that!

I will admit, maybe I am selfish. I will get jealous, especially if you have me believing otherwise...but I mean, who wouldn't, especially if they believe that what the two of you share is something bigger than what it is. Maybe I'm being a little naive or I am looking too deep into the situation. I feel I have to, though. I don't want Luscious Leroy to approach me and tell me how much he's been loving me since kindergarten and he couldn't hold back any longer. I don't want Reality Renita telling me I'm her best friend and I don't think of her no more than Associate #5.

Ms. T is very much crazy. I will cut you, shoot you, slice your face, etc. Again, ESPECIALLY if I feel that our relationship is a little deeper than "Hello". Understand that! I don't ask for much. I am not asking you to show me how much you care, if I feel that I can trust you. I am not asking you to step out of your comfort zone to go the distance for me. All I am asking is for you to respect me and my feelings.

40th Anniversary

Not really, but this is my 40th post...

So as I sit in awe and sleepiness, I am chilling in the house by myself (practically), listening to music. I wonder what other people are doing. I have to prepare for a day of shopping tomorrow morning, for New York & Company is taking 30% off of purchases between July 21st and August 6th. I love that store!

I am also pondering on what the next step is going to be. When am I going to get that apartment...my Infiniti...For someone who is VERY patient, I can't sit still. The more bizarre thing is, I haven't even started working yet, to get a pay check or to see what I need to improve on when it comes to making my sale. I haven't even taken my test in order to get my license! I'm a trip!

I am ready to get things moving. I am ready to say what I need to say to those who keep tickling my feet. After a while, that shit is annoying. BTW, newborn babies...does tickling their feet annoy them? Does it hurt? All they can do is make a face and move their feet, but does it tickle to them? Just a random thing that crossed my mind...

You Love Me, You Love Me Not

I know you do, but what am I...

As I previously stated, I have my own definition of what love is. Unfortunately, your way of showing how much you care and appreciate our relationship (which has it's own definition within itself...) does not suffice. Unfortunately, although I have nothing to show for it, I make too much money for you. Unfortunately, although right now, you don't see it, but I left you when I left my mother's womb. Unfortunatley, although you don't have it, my unborn adopted children (a family of four) have their undergraduate degrees and doctorates. Unfortunately, you love me, and then you give me a reason that you love me not.

Be a man! Stop getting fucked from the ass and mouth! Me, I prefer for you to fuck me with your mouth and then turn around and burp that shit in her face! Let her know who's really pimping your ass out! Let her know that you bend over and take it like a bitch because you are not man enough to step to this! Cause one thing is for sure, she's not stupid. As I told you, you have given her a reason for her to lie; to stop fucking you; to stop sucking your dick.

And you think that it is cool to come to me for assistance when your dick is hard and your nerves are bad. A NO SIR! Ms. T has other things she has to do...I mean other people she has to see and I make too much money for you! Until you can truely show me what the hell you mean when you say you love me, you care...I mean, I know you do; I know you will do anyting for me...but what am I? Where do I stand? Do you really know?! Now, you can give me all the money you want to help me with my bills and what not, but until I see that our relationship, which has strongly been defined as ONLY a friendship, by all parties, and I see that you are really living up to not being that stupid nigga, you just might be able to get access to the $80 air mattress that's only used for important people and guests.

Let's Meet

So, today one of my closest friends scheduled a meeting...

One of my best friends has this new guy in her life. I have yet to meet this man, however, have formed my own opinion of him, just based on the personality of the friend and her past relationships with men. So, today, she and the guy scheduled to meet, because their previous plans fell through. Well, the meeting spot is about an hour and a half outside of where we live and guess what....he does not show up!

She calls me all bitter and what not (and I'm clearly not surprised). She and the guy have been talking off and on for quite sometime (in her mind), so she's really attached. Well, the only thing she gets from it is, "My bad...I was playing cards and lost track of time. Maybe another day."

For her, that was the day. Again, things didn't work out before, and she's very much feeling this guy. In my book, it's time to stop! Not necessarily stop with men all together, but more so be a friend. Learn the tricks of the trade, play his game, and then drop kick him when he gets out of pocket.

This applies to both sexes, men and women:

Don't schedule something, making it seem as if things are mutual, especially, when you know things are hard for the other person (just left a relationship, death of a family member, financial troubles, etc.) and show up late or not at all. Serious consequences follow!

I Wish, I Wish, I Wish

I sometimes wish...

I sometimes wish I could have been that well-known (notice I didn't say popular) person in school, that everyone knows would be successful later on in life. Not only would I have been well-known, but just good at all types of things (i.e. sports, academics, athletic, etc.). I, Ms. T, am no more than the average Jane Doe. I am smart, but when it comes to academics (one of those things I find not to be all that important), I excel in the areas that I find interesting. Every other area sucks balls. I used to play softball in middle school, and I enjoy watching football and basketball. I am known by "the right people", and everyone that I communicate with on the regular, loves me (or so they say...hmmmmm). But other than that, I am nothing!

I say all of this, because I wish I had some stuff a little earlier in life. Right now, I am struggling! I was never the type to initiate conversation (and I still don't do it) or friendships. I like to be by myself (which is not a good thing if I live with a Miller the Killer) and I cannot stand when I am bothered (i.e. you see I'm irritated, but you still ask a lot of questions or you see that my mood has changed, but you still want to talk).

I want this idea of adult-ism to be better for me than what it is right now. I am truely irritated by every little thing. My mother even grills me about the jobs in which I am selecting to earn income. SHE CAN'T BE SERIOUS! I honestly need you to stop and leave me alone. I'm sorry if all the people that want me, are the same jobs that pay triple in what you make yearly, but I have to work a little harder at it, as opposed to working the rest of my life doing the same thing and wishing I could have retired when I was 55 instead 103!

Not once have I ever felt seriously challenged. I mean, if I didn't think something was for me, I just would not do it. If I didn't want to do something, I just would not do it. If I originally said I wanted to go with you to the store and then right before we walked out the door, I decided I looked like shit, I just didn't go! I want this job thing to work out. I want to be happy. I want to be able to say, "I've defeated the world!" Everytime my mom opens her mouth about something I am excited about, she brings me down by saying something that I already thought about or her tone is of disgust. Last time I checked, you weren't Oprah...

Fuck Toy

As she listened, she cried. This wasn't the first time she heard his song, and she knew it wouldn't be the last. It was the story of her life. Everyone she had ever been with; all of her friends, her associates, her enemies, her lovers...she felt used. She had been abused by a man she never knew. She was drawn to men that would always have an excuse for every little thing, and she still accepted them. She hung around people that only needed her for something other than a friendship. She was a fuck toy. She finally gave up and gave in! She ran out of batteries. She stopped operating after he hung up the phone...after she lost what she thought were her friends...as she never got the information she was seeking from the people she most adored.

As she looked back on her life, she became empty. She turned callous. She decided to never let her guard down, regardless of how genuine the next person was. No longer would anyone be able to read her. No longer could they see how easy she is. She put her middle finger up and said, "Fuck the world!" She walked out and never looked back...it was too late...she was gone.